I have been feeling really good...thank God...
I daresay I have been the most "normal" than I have felt...ever!!
That said, I came across this article and I thought it very relevant.
It was just a little over six years ago that I hit rock bottom. It was a mixed state of mania and depression, coupled with extreme stress, that nearly killed me. I am grateful that I survived. The article discusses the author's struggle with Bipolar Disorder when experiencing the "mixed state" and it made me feel a little better because I didn't realize others experience it. It is like being tied to the railroad tracks, with the train barreling down on you, during a tornado.
I am just glad I have learned coping strategies to weather the storm!
Life is good!
Happy Independence Day weekend everyone!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-bipolar-lens/201106/bipolar-disorders-nasty-secret
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Walmart of Restaurants
Old Country Buffet is not only a feast for the body, it is a people watcher's dream.
Cheap entertainment, my friends...
If you ever wondered where the people of Walmart dine, you need not look further.
We sit and giggle through our entire meal.
It occurred to me that perhaps others are looking at us, too. Then I remembered that if they were, it's just 'cus they are jealous because we are so awesome!
LOL
Today it was the person who resembled Jabba the Hut. We could not tell if it was male or female. Seriously, but it could sure put it away...
My husband refers to these people as "Professionals".
Yep. We are definitely going to Hell...but the trip there will be a blast!!
Sometimes we see celebrity look-alikes.
Today it was a really skinny woman...I mean skin and bones skinny...we decided she was a dead ringer for Achmed the Terrorist. We loved it when she washed her hands in the water fountain on the beverage bar. Seriously, it was too far to go to the bathroom to do that?
Then we tried to decide who was going to take their shower in the water fountain next, just to get a reaction. Turns out, none of us did...but can you just imagine the looks on peoples faces if one of us did?!
What can I say? We find fun in simple things!
Cheap entertainment, my friends...
If you ever wondered where the people of Walmart dine, you need not look further.
We sit and giggle through our entire meal.
It occurred to me that perhaps others are looking at us, too. Then I remembered that if they were, it's just 'cus they are jealous because we are so awesome!
LOL
Today it was the person who resembled Jabba the Hut. We could not tell if it was male or female. Seriously, but it could sure put it away...
My husband refers to these people as "Professionals".
Yep. We are definitely going to Hell...but the trip there will be a blast!!
Sometimes we see celebrity look-alikes.
Today it was a really skinny woman...I mean skin and bones skinny...we decided she was a dead ringer for Achmed the Terrorist. We loved it when she washed her hands in the water fountain on the beverage bar. Seriously, it was too far to go to the bathroom to do that?
Then we tried to decide who was going to take their shower in the water fountain next, just to get a reaction. Turns out, none of us did...but can you just imagine the looks on peoples faces if one of us did?!
What can I say? We find fun in simple things!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
that's not rain, it's just extra humidity...
Rain, rain, go away!
Amazingly enough, in spite of the rain and gloomy weather--my moods have improved. The clouds lifted in my head. Thank God.
I didn't even go to the psychiatrist.
(Score one for me!)
One whole year of college is in the books, and I am enjoying the time off until August. Not that it really feels like time off with kids needing to be driven to and from school, and here and there--and everywhere! I truly believe I am even busier now than I was, but the pressure is off. Ahhhhhh.....the kids will be out of school pretty soon too...
(insert sigh here!)
Looking ahead, to next semester--I will have a harder class load than I have had yet.
I have to remember to say "no" when people want me to do extra stuff.
I am not even sure if I will be able to work this fall...
Perhaps I shouldn't fret over these things at the moment, because if I think about it too much the anxiety will rear it's ugly head and right now I am feeling pretty mellow overall.
Life is good!
Amazingly enough, in spite of the rain and gloomy weather--my moods have improved. The clouds lifted in my head. Thank God.
I didn't even go to the psychiatrist.
(Score one for me!)
One whole year of college is in the books, and I am enjoying the time off until August. Not that it really feels like time off with kids needing to be driven to and from school, and here and there--and everywhere! I truly believe I am even busier now than I was, but the pressure is off. Ahhhhhh.....the kids will be out of school pretty soon too...
(insert sigh here!)
Looking ahead, to next semester--I will have a harder class load than I have had yet.
I have to remember to say "no" when people want me to do extra stuff.
I am not even sure if I will be able to work this fall...
Perhaps I shouldn't fret over these things at the moment, because if I think about it too much the anxiety will rear it's ugly head and right now I am feeling pretty mellow overall.
Life is good!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
On Chemical Attitude Adjustments...
It has been exactly a month since I posted last.
In that past month, the sun has been out maybe twice. Okay, that's an exaggeration.
(And if I told you once, I've told you a million times never to exaggerate!)
Yeah, I had to say it...
Anyhow--
Because it is spring and one one informed Mother Nature of that fact, I have been struggling with the moods.
I tend to struggle with the moods in the spring, anyway, but this spring has been doing a number on me.
Changes affect me as well--starting a new job, crunch time at the end of the semester for school.
I have been considering contacting the shrink's office to see about a chemical attitude adjustment.
The thing about medication: it may work to even out the moods, but it may erase the personality right along with it. It may even me out flat. I have been there before and that is more scary to me than waiting out the blues of the downside of the disorder.
On the bright side, I am not doing anything dangerous or compulsive, my financial situation is good, and my grades are hanging in there at A's and B's in spite of feeling like a big hand is pushing me down.
Most people don't understand it when I am struggling, either. My own husband almost takes it personally, and I know he doesn't mean to. He just doesn't know how it feels. Feeling alone does not help. :(
I ditched my Biology class tonight because I get anxious when the moods shift. There was no way I could have sat still in a classroom tonight. I will get my assignments in--it is a hybrid internet/classroom class. No worries there.
Hey, at least I am recognizing the mood shifts. That has to count for something, and must mean that I am not completely crazy. In fact, I dare say it's sorta healthy that I understand what is going on.
Go figure.
Please excuse me while I go lie on the picnic table and soak up some sun...
In that past month, the sun has been out maybe twice. Okay, that's an exaggeration.
(And if I told you once, I've told you a million times never to exaggerate!)
Yeah, I had to say it...
Anyhow--
Because it is spring and one one informed Mother Nature of that fact, I have been struggling with the moods.
I tend to struggle with the moods in the spring, anyway, but this spring has been doing a number on me.
Changes affect me as well--starting a new job, crunch time at the end of the semester for school.
I have been considering contacting the shrink's office to see about a chemical attitude adjustment.
The thing about medication: it may work to even out the moods, but it may erase the personality right along with it. It may even me out flat. I have been there before and that is more scary to me than waiting out the blues of the downside of the disorder.
On the bright side, I am not doing anything dangerous or compulsive, my financial situation is good, and my grades are hanging in there at A's and B's in spite of feeling like a big hand is pushing me down.
Most people don't understand it when I am struggling, either. My own husband almost takes it personally, and I know he doesn't mean to. He just doesn't know how it feels. Feeling alone does not help. :(
I ditched my Biology class tonight because I get anxious when the moods shift. There was no way I could have sat still in a classroom tonight. I will get my assignments in--it is a hybrid internet/classroom class. No worries there.
Hey, at least I am recognizing the mood shifts. That has to count for something, and must mean that I am not completely crazy. In fact, I dare say it's sorta healthy that I understand what is going on.
Go figure.
Please excuse me while I go lie on the picnic table and soak up some sun...
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Nothing too profound...
Well my fortieth birthday came and went a couple of weeks ago, and I have to say it was pretty nice. It didn't hurt as much as I expected, except for falling off of my tall shoes and pulling my quadriceps!
I am now working on diet and exercise. I have two 5k run/walks to do in the next two months. One is the "practice" 5k for the Girls on the Run, and the other is the "real" 5k. I know I can walk them both with a respectable time, but I would like to run and not hold my child/running buddy back.
I am busy making all sorts of goals.
I officially and regretfully weigh 266 lbs. I would love LOVE love to be under 200lbs for my cousin Melissa's wedding on September 2nd, but even if I am not--any and all fitness and weight loss is a success. I will not beat myself up for being human.
I want to find my inner hottie and let her out.
I want to look okay in a bathing suit. I don't have to look sexy, just not like the blob.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I used to be.
I want to live to see my children graduate high school and college, marry, and have children.
I want to be the grandma who is the life of the party.
I want to fit into jeans that are not a plus size.
I want to stop snoring.
I think I have a lot of work to do!
Off to the treadmill! :D
I am now working on diet and exercise. I have two 5k run/walks to do in the next two months. One is the "practice" 5k for the Girls on the Run, and the other is the "real" 5k. I know I can walk them both with a respectable time, but I would like to run and not hold my child/running buddy back.
I am busy making all sorts of goals.
I officially and regretfully weigh 266 lbs. I would love LOVE love to be under 200lbs for my cousin Melissa's wedding on September 2nd, but even if I am not--any and all fitness and weight loss is a success. I will not beat myself up for being human.
I want to find my inner hottie and let her out.
I want to look okay in a bathing suit. I don't have to look sexy, just not like the blob.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I used to be.
I want to live to see my children graduate high school and college, marry, and have children.
I want to be the grandma who is the life of the party.
I want to fit into jeans that are not a plus size.
I want to stop snoring.
I think I have a lot of work to do!
Off to the treadmill! :D
Friday, March 11, 2011
On Information Overload: A Piece of Therapeutic Writing...
Having Bipolar Disorder means that I often have to check myself.
I have to take how I feel (I often over-feel stuff, if that makes sense) and I have to do a mental weighing process as to why I feel that way, and I have to consciously decide if it is appropriate to feel the way I do about something, or if I feel the way I do about something because of the disorder.
This extra mental processing makes me question the legitimacy of how I feel about things. I acknowledge that I do feel things sometimes that are not legitimate. I also feel many things that are very legitimate, but I may overreact. Sometimes the legitimacy and reaction are completely appropriate. The gut check is vital, though. I want to keep getting better and doing better in my life.
In my past, I have reacted without this internal check, and I have burned bridges that I should not have based on a skewed perception of whatever the issue was.
The mere fact that I understand this process and that I actively participate in it is a BIG DEAL. The shrinks call it insight into my disorder. I call it a survival technique. Bipolar Disorder can kill you, and I am not even joking when I say that.
Anyway, let me continue...
This skewed perception, the weird world view from my perspective, is sometimes the hardest part of the disorder.
It is the skewed view that lead me to deciding to start taking the Xanax when I overdosed in June 2005. Now, it was the lowered inhibition of the medication that was the foot on the gas pedal that kept me taking the pills--two at a time--'til I ran out of pairs of pills, but the skewed view was driving the bus.
My skewed view at that time was that I was powerless to change myself (I was struggling hard with the swings of the moods) and I felt powerless to handle my mother's illness at that time as well (she was well on her way beyond hypermania to psychosis, and her shrink wouldn't listen that she needed to be in the hospital).
I had a huge meltdown, thanks to the skewed view. Not the first meltdown, but definitely the worst. I nearly ended it all!!
Thank God it wasn't my time, and I truly believe I had a Guardian Angel looking out for me that day. That's another story entirely that I may share sometime...
(I really like to go off on tangents. Pulling it back to get to my point.)
Issue #1
I am having very strong feelings at the way people are discussing Charlie Sheen and his very public meltdown.
I am angry, appalled, saddened, frustrated, sick, astonished, and about a hundred other verbs. If you have never experienced a breakdown, or if you have never watched a family member slip into the blackness of a psychosis, you cannot possibly know what it is like for Charlie Sheen and his family.
You cannot know what it is like for the ordinary person to experience these things.
And to poke fun, and joke? How absolutely fucked up are people? Never mind, I don't need an answer to that because I all ready know.
Mental illness is not funny.
Sometimes the things people DO when they are sick may seem funny, and sometimes it IS funny when your loved one is doing weird things when they are sick and laughing is better than crying or screaming (I have TONS of stories!)
...but the disorder itself is NO LAUGHING MATTER!!
I am sick and tired of people using the psychiatric diagnostic terms when discussing ordinary things. It is ignorant, and no better than calling someone a racial slur, or calling someone out for their sexual orientation.
No, your cat is not schizophrenic because it does weird things.
Now, if your cat has auditory or visual hallucinations, perhaps you need an animal psychiatrist.
My point is that it is highly stigmatizing for those who truly struggle with the diagnoses when people just toss the terms about without truly knowing what they are talking about.
For the record, most psychiatric disorders are first organic brain disorders or are triggered by chemical alterations in the brain due to medications, self-medication, or injury. Many are hereditary. Some onset due to trauma. All are medical diagnoses first, with mental manifestations.
Should you taunt or joke about someone who has seizures? Should you laugh at the person undergoing chemotherapy for cancer? OF COURSE NOT!!
Nor should you joke about or judge a person with mental illness.
Everyone hits bottom in different ways. My bottom was nearly ending my life.
I love life, and this rocked everyone in my world. It was SO out of character and the last thing anyone expected. I didn't even expect it. I found my bottom. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Who knows what Charlie Sheen's bottom will be, before he has the ability to accept help? I hope for his sake, as well as for his children and family, that they somehow get him the help he needs and he finally gets to a place where he has the mental capacity to understand and accept the help.
Like diabetes, cancer, and car accidents--mental illnesses kill people.
What is so funny about that??
I do not think I am out of line in my feelings on this issue. I have been treated differently by those who are ignorant because I was not afraid to talk about my family and our experience with mental illness.
I have also been embraced by those who were too afraid to speak, until they saw how open I am about it all. I have helped others going through the same experiences. Isn't that what life is about?? Helping others through??
No I will not shut up about it.
(Yes, I have had people ask me if I would.)
I am going to jump up and down, shouting it from the roof tops, continuing to be a vocal advocate for those like me, those who are like my family. I am also going to continue to do well in my life so I can be a positive example--a survival story.
Issue #2
The budget issue in Wisconsin--
Yes, we are all passionate about it. We all believe we are right and the other side is wrong.
But, we are all involved and will all be affected.
To degrade the debate into baseless name calling is unproductive and ignorant.
I have had some great discussions with those who do not believe as I do, and I have learned some things. I will not judge or hate just because you believe that the other "side" is right or the best way to proceed. My friends are still my friends and things will end up however they end up. It is much bigger than we are anyway.
I am directly impacted by the health care issues in this budget. I am directly impacted by the educational cuts in this budget. I have decided not to worry about it yet. Things have not played themselves out.
If you are my friend on Facebook--and we have had a discussion on this issue--note that you are still on my friends' list.
Issue #3
I am saddened by the disaster playing out in Japan and the Pacific rim. God bless all of those who are affected by this tragedy. The pictures are very hard to take. :(
Issue #4
My mortality is bothering me today. To learn we have lost two classmates in a years' time, and eight that we know of...well, it is really grinding on me.
I am fortunate to be here today.
I almost wasn't.
That bothers me, what I almost put my family through. What I DID put my family through. Fortunately, I am loved and they have all forgiven me.
All of my issues do tie in together. On the surface, maybe not. But if you peel away the layers, it is obvious.
Today, my feelings are valid and my responses are appropriate.
My conclusions today:
Life is precious.
We all do not know when our time on Earth is up.
Love and respect each other.
Ask questions.
Therapy is good.
Live well.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Somehow, the big things always work themselves out.
Ask for help if you need it.
Be yourself.
Be forgiving.
Be interested.
Just be.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Worry should never consume you.
Dream.
Really keep in touch.
Pray.
Peace.
I have to take how I feel (I often over-feel stuff, if that makes sense) and I have to do a mental weighing process as to why I feel that way, and I have to consciously decide if it is appropriate to feel the way I do about something, or if I feel the way I do about something because of the disorder.
This extra mental processing makes me question the legitimacy of how I feel about things. I acknowledge that I do feel things sometimes that are not legitimate. I also feel many things that are very legitimate, but I may overreact. Sometimes the legitimacy and reaction are completely appropriate. The gut check is vital, though. I want to keep getting better and doing better in my life.
In my past, I have reacted without this internal check, and I have burned bridges that I should not have based on a skewed perception of whatever the issue was.
The mere fact that I understand this process and that I actively participate in it is a BIG DEAL. The shrinks call it insight into my disorder. I call it a survival technique. Bipolar Disorder can kill you, and I am not even joking when I say that.
Anyway, let me continue...
This skewed perception, the weird world view from my perspective, is sometimes the hardest part of the disorder.
It is the skewed view that lead me to deciding to start taking the Xanax when I overdosed in June 2005. Now, it was the lowered inhibition of the medication that was the foot on the gas pedal that kept me taking the pills--two at a time--'til I ran out of pairs of pills, but the skewed view was driving the bus.
My skewed view at that time was that I was powerless to change myself (I was struggling hard with the swings of the moods) and I felt powerless to handle my mother's illness at that time as well (she was well on her way beyond hypermania to psychosis, and her shrink wouldn't listen that she needed to be in the hospital).
I had a huge meltdown, thanks to the skewed view. Not the first meltdown, but definitely the worst. I nearly ended it all!!
Thank God it wasn't my time, and I truly believe I had a Guardian Angel looking out for me that day. That's another story entirely that I may share sometime...
(I really like to go off on tangents. Pulling it back to get to my point.)
Issue #1
I am having very strong feelings at the way people are discussing Charlie Sheen and his very public meltdown.
I am angry, appalled, saddened, frustrated, sick, astonished, and about a hundred other verbs. If you have never experienced a breakdown, or if you have never watched a family member slip into the blackness of a psychosis, you cannot possibly know what it is like for Charlie Sheen and his family.
You cannot know what it is like for the ordinary person to experience these things.
And to poke fun, and joke? How absolutely fucked up are people? Never mind, I don't need an answer to that because I all ready know.
Mental illness is not funny.
Sometimes the things people DO when they are sick may seem funny, and sometimes it IS funny when your loved one is doing weird things when they are sick and laughing is better than crying or screaming (I have TONS of stories!)
...but the disorder itself is NO LAUGHING MATTER!!
I am sick and tired of people using the psychiatric diagnostic terms when discussing ordinary things. It is ignorant, and no better than calling someone a racial slur, or calling someone out for their sexual orientation.
No, your cat is not schizophrenic because it does weird things.
Now, if your cat has auditory or visual hallucinations, perhaps you need an animal psychiatrist.
My point is that it is highly stigmatizing for those who truly struggle with the diagnoses when people just toss the terms about without truly knowing what they are talking about.
For the record, most psychiatric disorders are first organic brain disorders or are triggered by chemical alterations in the brain due to medications, self-medication, or injury. Many are hereditary. Some onset due to trauma. All are medical diagnoses first, with mental manifestations.
Should you taunt or joke about someone who has seizures? Should you laugh at the person undergoing chemotherapy for cancer? OF COURSE NOT!!
Nor should you joke about or judge a person with mental illness.
Everyone hits bottom in different ways. My bottom was nearly ending my life.
I love life, and this rocked everyone in my world. It was SO out of character and the last thing anyone expected. I didn't even expect it. I found my bottom. I am one of the fortunate ones.
Who knows what Charlie Sheen's bottom will be, before he has the ability to accept help? I hope for his sake, as well as for his children and family, that they somehow get him the help he needs and he finally gets to a place where he has the mental capacity to understand and accept the help.
Like diabetes, cancer, and car accidents--mental illnesses kill people.
What is so funny about that??
I do not think I am out of line in my feelings on this issue. I have been treated differently by those who are ignorant because I was not afraid to talk about my family and our experience with mental illness.
I have also been embraced by those who were too afraid to speak, until they saw how open I am about it all. I have helped others going through the same experiences. Isn't that what life is about?? Helping others through??
No I will not shut up about it.
(Yes, I have had people ask me if I would.)
I am going to jump up and down, shouting it from the roof tops, continuing to be a vocal advocate for those like me, those who are like my family. I am also going to continue to do well in my life so I can be a positive example--a survival story.
Issue #2
The budget issue in Wisconsin--
Yes, we are all passionate about it. We all believe we are right and the other side is wrong.
But, we are all involved and will all be affected.
To degrade the debate into baseless name calling is unproductive and ignorant.
I have had some great discussions with those who do not believe as I do, and I have learned some things. I will not judge or hate just because you believe that the other "side" is right or the best way to proceed. My friends are still my friends and things will end up however they end up. It is much bigger than we are anyway.
I am directly impacted by the health care issues in this budget. I am directly impacted by the educational cuts in this budget. I have decided not to worry about it yet. Things have not played themselves out.
If you are my friend on Facebook--and we have had a discussion on this issue--note that you are still on my friends' list.
Issue #3
I am saddened by the disaster playing out in Japan and the Pacific rim. God bless all of those who are affected by this tragedy. The pictures are very hard to take. :(
Issue #4
My mortality is bothering me today. To learn we have lost two classmates in a years' time, and eight that we know of...well, it is really grinding on me.
I am fortunate to be here today.
I almost wasn't.
That bothers me, what I almost put my family through. What I DID put my family through. Fortunately, I am loved and they have all forgiven me.
All of my issues do tie in together. On the surface, maybe not. But if you peel away the layers, it is obvious.
Today, my feelings are valid and my responses are appropriate.
My conclusions today:
Life is precious.
We all do not know when our time on Earth is up.
Love and respect each other.
Ask questions.
Therapy is good.
Live well.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Somehow, the big things always work themselves out.
Ask for help if you need it.
Be yourself.
Be forgiving.
Be interested.
Just be.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Worry should never consume you.
Dream.
Really keep in touch.
Pray.
Peace.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Ongoing debates inside my head...
I suppose the title could be interpreted to mean that I hear voices in my head.
I assure you, gentle reader, that I do not.
That said...
I do have several things going on in my head at the same time, nearly all of the time. I always thought everyone had several different "channels" going at once, but most people look at me like I have lost my mind if I talk about it. I guess this phenomenon probably falls into the category of 'racing thoughts'--one lovely 'symptoms' of the Bipolar Disorder that I prefer to think of as a gift instead of a curse.
I enjoy the high energy from the disorder as well, as long as I can keep it in check.
But, I digress...
This ultra distracted thought process could almost be a symptom of undiagnosed ADD, except I don't feel like I have any sort of deficit, and I certainly do not have a problem focusing on one thing. I just focus on several things at once. I wonder what the DSM-IV would say about that? That may be a good question for the shrink next time I see her...
The ongoing debates in my head today are:
Do I want to minor in Journalism instead of Psychology with my chosen major?
Maybe I want to consider a dual majors: Communication Sciences and Disorders/Journalism?
Should I try to find a part time job so I have something to do in the summer, because I am not going to take classes over the summer?
Do I want to work while I am in school, knowing that when I spread myself too thin that I cannot always keep the BP symptoms in check?
Can I balance less than 20 hours a week along with my coursework, and still excel at both?
Will I be able to make my little dabblings on eBay into a moneymaker in this economy?
Is the world going to end in 2012, voiding all debates?
Do I want to have some rice and mixed vegetables for lunch, or do I want to chance it on the cold pizza?
Have I bored everyone else with this drivel?? (LOL)
My worst fear, with the whole budget flap in Wisconsin, is that my educational goals will be derailed because I won't be able to continue to afford classes once I get to UWEC.
For the first time in my life, I have set a goal and have made excellent strides toward that goal. Usually, I start out really well, but let myself be discouraged by my own negative thinking, or by hurdles that seem to large for me to overcome.
For the first time in my life, I am more stable than I have ever been mentally, and I have been working very hard in school. The hurdles do not feel as high as I had imagined them to be.
For one of the first times in my life, I have a positive outlook on my future.
The view right now, is fantastic.
I just hope it continues to be...
I assure you, gentle reader, that I do not.
That said...
I do have several things going on in my head at the same time, nearly all of the time. I always thought everyone had several different "channels" going at once, but most people look at me like I have lost my mind if I talk about it. I guess this phenomenon probably falls into the category of 'racing thoughts'--one lovely 'symptoms' of the Bipolar Disorder that I prefer to think of as a gift instead of a curse.
I enjoy the high energy from the disorder as well, as long as I can keep it in check.
But, I digress...
This ultra distracted thought process could almost be a symptom of undiagnosed ADD, except I don't feel like I have any sort of deficit, and I certainly do not have a problem focusing on one thing. I just focus on several things at once. I wonder what the DSM-IV would say about that? That may be a good question for the shrink next time I see her...
The ongoing debates in my head today are:
Do I want to minor in Journalism instead of Psychology with my chosen major?
Maybe I want to consider a dual majors: Communication Sciences and Disorders/Journalism?
Should I try to find a part time job so I have something to do in the summer, because I am not going to take classes over the summer?
Do I want to work while I am in school, knowing that when I spread myself too thin that I cannot always keep the BP symptoms in check?
Can I balance less than 20 hours a week along with my coursework, and still excel at both?
Will I be able to make my little dabblings on eBay into a moneymaker in this economy?
Is the world going to end in 2012, voiding all debates?
Do I want to have some rice and mixed vegetables for lunch, or do I want to chance it on the cold pizza?
Have I bored everyone else with this drivel?? (LOL)
My worst fear, with the whole budget flap in Wisconsin, is that my educational goals will be derailed because I won't be able to continue to afford classes once I get to UWEC.
For the first time in my life, I have set a goal and have made excellent strides toward that goal. Usually, I start out really well, but let myself be discouraged by my own negative thinking, or by hurdles that seem to large for me to overcome.
For the first time in my life, I am more stable than I have ever been mentally, and I have been working very hard in school. The hurdles do not feel as high as I had imagined them to be.
For one of the first times in my life, I have a positive outlook on my future.
The view right now, is fantastic.
I just hope it continues to be...
Monday, February 28, 2011
39 Forever
(The following is an essay for my English Composition class. While originally I was going to write my descriptive essay on a place, it soon became evident to me that this subject matter was not going to leave me alone until I wrote it. This is a true story.)
39 Forever
Getting older has always bothered me.
I look around at those who are my age, and I see women who do not look as I do. I see no flaws in their skin while the injustice of bumpy middle age acne has taken a toll on my complexion, my once creamy and youthful skin now battle scarred and pocked. Their hair doesn’t show the silvery gray that seems to scream from the top of my head. Their bodies--while having similar experiences as mine--have shrunk back to a youthful shape, while my weight keeps hanging on as if it is afraid to let me go.
Of course, I do understand that many of these women who share my age have cheated it somehow with diet, exercise, hair dye and surgery. Sometimes it is hard to remember that while these women have busted their behinds in the gym for hours at a time, and suffered through wheat grass shakes, tofu this, and no-flavor that, I have enjoyed food that tasted good and was less self absorbed about how I looked. I am certain that the love of my husband has not helped my cause either. I am somehow cursed to have a man who thinks I am beautiful and young, in spite of the extra weight or the gray roots in my hair. Actually, I know how lucky I am to have him, but his blindness to my faults makes it easier for me to just let myself go. Poor me, that I am so loved.
The year I turned thirty was excruciating for me. I sunk into a deep depression. So deep, in fact, that I often would lay on the sofa squeezing my eyes so tightly shut that I would start to have a headache at my temples. I would lie so quietly and still, holding my lungs full of air and with my hands clasped below my breast, imagining what it would be like to be dead and on display for everyone to view. I could almost hear the sounds of a funeral—the soft music playing in the background, almost drowned out by the murmurs of mourners whispering and crying. I could feel the occasional person peering right at me, poking my body or touching my face, while I lay on silk and in my finest clothing. I could even imagine someone saying how good I looked, even though it is ridiculous to say. No one looks good when they are dead. It is not a good way to be.
I would lay there for hours, sometimes falling asleep to forget the morbidity and absurdity of the ritual. Other times, I would wallow in my self pity, allowing my left hand to eventually slip from the prayerful grip of the right hand, to fall to the side of the sofa and have my fingers graze the floor.
My two children were small when I was thirty. Fortunately for them, they had no idea their mother was on the razor’s edge of sanity at times with worry about getting older and having death come knocking on the door. They just wanted their mommy.
Sometimes the quiet of the funereal ritual would be punctured by the cries of a small child waking from a nap. At those times, I often abandoned by self pity rather quickly and could forget for awhile what it was that had me so low. I could go to my child and function as a mother. The beautiful thing about children, even as they get older, is they love their mother unconditionally. My kids never let me point out my shortcomings, no matter how true they may be.
My husband was aware of my despair, though he knew nothing of me lying on the sofa for a good portion of the afternoon. He was helpless in his quest to try to make me feel better about my age, so he gave up discussing it in hopes that my obsession with my age would vanish into thin air. Eventually, it did take a back seat to life in general. Thanks to the unyielding love of my little family, somehow I got past those dark days at thirty.
In my thirties, I eventually abandoned the ritual, and was able to work, play, and enjoy life. My kids were growing and changing, and I threw myself into life with gusto. So much so that I got nominated to chair our class reunion committee and plan our 20th reunion. The reunion was amazing, and went off without a hitch. Life was pretty good for awhile.
As I began to face forty, I had a bone crushing fear in my heart that I would once again succumb to the darkness that nearly swallowed me whole a decade earlier. I started to assess my life, trying to figure out what proactive steps I could take to be able to outwit my crazy imagination and be able to live through another milestone birthday.
I did what everyone does when they are facing a mid-life crisis and I impulsively decided to quit my job and head back to school. I had been working in healthcare as a nursing assistant for seventeen years, and just could not face another year of being stagnant. I did love the people I worked with, but with no desire to become a nurse, I felt that the toll the job had taken on my body over the years was enough. I was beginning to feel my age with the herniated disc in my back howling at me to quit, and the arthritis in my neck and shoulder flaring up to remind me that I wasn’t twenty anymore. I needed to do something with my mind, to prove to myself I could still do it before it was too late.
School has been a blessing and a curse for me. While it has made me even more aware of my age, it has shown me that old dogs can learn new tricks. I have gained some self respect because my brain is still intact and working very well. But, I am continually surrounded by those young people who are just out of high school, all youthful and carefree. I find myself wishing I had done more to retain my youth when I am in their presence. I find myself feeling out of place and uncomfortable with my age at times, in spite of my intelligence and experience. I thought that school would help me get over the problem I was having with getting older, but I was dead wrong. It would take something more severe for me to realize that aging is okay.
I got a text message from my best friend from high school on a recent Friday morning that said a classmate of ours was killed in an accident. While I was not friends with this woman, she was a member of our class and we do have some common friends. Of course, my reaction was “OMG!” and I wanted details so that I could pass them along to other members of our class so that they may extend their condolences to her family.
I remember looking at this lady’s Facebook page over the years. She was even more beautiful than she was in high school. She was still very athletic and fit. While I didn’t share those qualities with her, we did have things in common. We were both married, and our children are about the same age. We both were very active in our children’s lives, and in our communities. While I felt unattractive in comparison with this lady, I felt a kinship with her as a mom and wife. It seemed very unfair that in our fortieth year, we would have to say goodbye to this vibrant woman. It was very poignant and sad, and really hit close to home for me, and a few of my friends. I realized that she had attained something that I was wishing for, by dying. She would be 39 forever.
I attended her funeral to pay respects to her family, and to represent our graduating class. As I began to sit through the service, I was very uneasy. I was so uncomfortable that my arms felt like they were in the way. I tried hanging them limp at my sides, and when that felt unnatural, I crossed them over my chest, which seemed out of place. I really could not figure out how to even just sit on a pew in a church. I felt as if I was intruding on something very private and sacred, and I thought I could feel people staring at me. Of course, no one cared what I was doing. They were all there to support her survivors and pay their respects.
Once the service got going, I felt like I got to know her a little bit more through the stories about her that her cousin shared. I felt sorry that I didn’t know her better. I watched her husband and her two children seated several rows ahead of me. The pain on their faces was evident. Her husband looked so empty and older than his years as he attempted to console his children as their mother lay dead in the box before them. I could not imagine how to comfort a child in the loss of her mother, when he surely must have felt cheated at the loss of his partner and best friend as well. There are no words in the world that could make it better for any of them. In that moment I could easily imagine my husband and my children sitting there instead of this other family, and the destruction it would cause in their lives if it were me in the coffin. A chill ran down my spine, and I felt relieved for having the ability to continue aging.
Instantly, at a funeral, the revelation that I get to be present for the celebration of my life at forty cast aside the gnawing fear of growing older that I carried around for so long. I feel bad that it took attending a classmate’s funeral to figure it out, but I am choosing to see it as a gift from this lady I barely knew. Even though I still carry the extra weight on my frame, my skin and teeth are not perfect, and my hair is not my natural color anymore, I will embrace my life and every day that I have to live it. Life is too short to wallow in the what-ifs, and comparisons to others. I am grateful that I was able to figure it out before it was too late.
(Thank you to Amy Nelson Rogers, for making me see the light...God Bless and Rest in Peace)
39 Forever
Getting older has always bothered me.
I look around at those who are my age, and I see women who do not look as I do. I see no flaws in their skin while the injustice of bumpy middle age acne has taken a toll on my complexion, my once creamy and youthful skin now battle scarred and pocked. Their hair doesn’t show the silvery gray that seems to scream from the top of my head. Their bodies--while having similar experiences as mine--have shrunk back to a youthful shape, while my weight keeps hanging on as if it is afraid to let me go.
Of course, I do understand that many of these women who share my age have cheated it somehow with diet, exercise, hair dye and surgery. Sometimes it is hard to remember that while these women have busted their behinds in the gym for hours at a time, and suffered through wheat grass shakes, tofu this, and no-flavor that, I have enjoyed food that tasted good and was less self absorbed about how I looked. I am certain that the love of my husband has not helped my cause either. I am somehow cursed to have a man who thinks I am beautiful and young, in spite of the extra weight or the gray roots in my hair. Actually, I know how lucky I am to have him, but his blindness to my faults makes it easier for me to just let myself go. Poor me, that I am so loved.
The year I turned thirty was excruciating for me. I sunk into a deep depression. So deep, in fact, that I often would lay on the sofa squeezing my eyes so tightly shut that I would start to have a headache at my temples. I would lie so quietly and still, holding my lungs full of air and with my hands clasped below my breast, imagining what it would be like to be dead and on display for everyone to view. I could almost hear the sounds of a funeral—the soft music playing in the background, almost drowned out by the murmurs of mourners whispering and crying. I could feel the occasional person peering right at me, poking my body or touching my face, while I lay on silk and in my finest clothing. I could even imagine someone saying how good I looked, even though it is ridiculous to say. No one looks good when they are dead. It is not a good way to be.
I would lay there for hours, sometimes falling asleep to forget the morbidity and absurdity of the ritual. Other times, I would wallow in my self pity, allowing my left hand to eventually slip from the prayerful grip of the right hand, to fall to the side of the sofa and have my fingers graze the floor.
My two children were small when I was thirty. Fortunately for them, they had no idea their mother was on the razor’s edge of sanity at times with worry about getting older and having death come knocking on the door. They just wanted their mommy.
Sometimes the quiet of the funereal ritual would be punctured by the cries of a small child waking from a nap. At those times, I often abandoned by self pity rather quickly and could forget for awhile what it was that had me so low. I could go to my child and function as a mother. The beautiful thing about children, even as they get older, is they love their mother unconditionally. My kids never let me point out my shortcomings, no matter how true they may be.
My husband was aware of my despair, though he knew nothing of me lying on the sofa for a good portion of the afternoon. He was helpless in his quest to try to make me feel better about my age, so he gave up discussing it in hopes that my obsession with my age would vanish into thin air. Eventually, it did take a back seat to life in general. Thanks to the unyielding love of my little family, somehow I got past those dark days at thirty.
In my thirties, I eventually abandoned the ritual, and was able to work, play, and enjoy life. My kids were growing and changing, and I threw myself into life with gusto. So much so that I got nominated to chair our class reunion committee and plan our 20th reunion. The reunion was amazing, and went off without a hitch. Life was pretty good for awhile.
As I began to face forty, I had a bone crushing fear in my heart that I would once again succumb to the darkness that nearly swallowed me whole a decade earlier. I started to assess my life, trying to figure out what proactive steps I could take to be able to outwit my crazy imagination and be able to live through another milestone birthday.
I did what everyone does when they are facing a mid-life crisis and I impulsively decided to quit my job and head back to school. I had been working in healthcare as a nursing assistant for seventeen years, and just could not face another year of being stagnant. I did love the people I worked with, but with no desire to become a nurse, I felt that the toll the job had taken on my body over the years was enough. I was beginning to feel my age with the herniated disc in my back howling at me to quit, and the arthritis in my neck and shoulder flaring up to remind me that I wasn’t twenty anymore. I needed to do something with my mind, to prove to myself I could still do it before it was too late.
School has been a blessing and a curse for me. While it has made me even more aware of my age, it has shown me that old dogs can learn new tricks. I have gained some self respect because my brain is still intact and working very well. But, I am continually surrounded by those young people who are just out of high school, all youthful and carefree. I find myself wishing I had done more to retain my youth when I am in their presence. I find myself feeling out of place and uncomfortable with my age at times, in spite of my intelligence and experience. I thought that school would help me get over the problem I was having with getting older, but I was dead wrong. It would take something more severe for me to realize that aging is okay.
I got a text message from my best friend from high school on a recent Friday morning that said a classmate of ours was killed in an accident. While I was not friends with this woman, she was a member of our class and we do have some common friends. Of course, my reaction was “OMG!” and I wanted details so that I could pass them along to other members of our class so that they may extend their condolences to her family.
I remember looking at this lady’s Facebook page over the years. She was even more beautiful than she was in high school. She was still very athletic and fit. While I didn’t share those qualities with her, we did have things in common. We were both married, and our children are about the same age. We both were very active in our children’s lives, and in our communities. While I felt unattractive in comparison with this lady, I felt a kinship with her as a mom and wife. It seemed very unfair that in our fortieth year, we would have to say goodbye to this vibrant woman. It was very poignant and sad, and really hit close to home for me, and a few of my friends. I realized that she had attained something that I was wishing for, by dying. She would be 39 forever.
I attended her funeral to pay respects to her family, and to represent our graduating class. As I began to sit through the service, I was very uneasy. I was so uncomfortable that my arms felt like they were in the way. I tried hanging them limp at my sides, and when that felt unnatural, I crossed them over my chest, which seemed out of place. I really could not figure out how to even just sit on a pew in a church. I felt as if I was intruding on something very private and sacred, and I thought I could feel people staring at me. Of course, no one cared what I was doing. They were all there to support her survivors and pay their respects.
Once the service got going, I felt like I got to know her a little bit more through the stories about her that her cousin shared. I felt sorry that I didn’t know her better. I watched her husband and her two children seated several rows ahead of me. The pain on their faces was evident. Her husband looked so empty and older than his years as he attempted to console his children as their mother lay dead in the box before them. I could not imagine how to comfort a child in the loss of her mother, when he surely must have felt cheated at the loss of his partner and best friend as well. There are no words in the world that could make it better for any of them. In that moment I could easily imagine my husband and my children sitting there instead of this other family, and the destruction it would cause in their lives if it were me in the coffin. A chill ran down my spine, and I felt relieved for having the ability to continue aging.
Instantly, at a funeral, the revelation that I get to be present for the celebration of my life at forty cast aside the gnawing fear of growing older that I carried around for so long. I feel bad that it took attending a classmate’s funeral to figure it out, but I am choosing to see it as a gift from this lady I barely knew. Even though I still carry the extra weight on my frame, my skin and teeth are not perfect, and my hair is not my natural color anymore, I will embrace my life and every day that I have to live it. Life is too short to wallow in the what-ifs, and comparisons to others. I am grateful that I was able to figure it out before it was too late.
(Thank you to Amy Nelson Rogers, for making me see the light...God Bless and Rest in Peace)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Life just happens to you when you are busy making other plans...
Thank you to the late John Lennon for the title of this post...
Life does just happen, and it gets really busy when it does.
Lately, small things make me sit back and really reflect. Things that seem insignificant enough, but somehow warrant more attention to them than what one might think...
For instance:
I met some good, old friends for dinner/drinks a week ago on Thursday. Now, they are not OLD--at least,not older than I am--but I have known these women for better than twenty years. I have not been in constant touch with all of these women in the last twenty years because life does just happen. That said, we have been making more of an effort to try to get together in the past couple of years thanks to our 20th class reunion. I hope the dinner/drinks thing happens even more often now, though, because I really enjoyed spending time with these ladies. I can be myself around all of them. That is definitely a good thing.
And I haven't laughed like that in a very long time!!
How does this go to my "something that warrants more attention" you may ask?
Well, I have been reflecting on it this past week.
I spent much of the last twenty years after high school trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do. I have wasted a good portion of that time hiding out. What I mean by that is I often do not step out of my comfort zone and let myself just be ME. I worried too much in the past about what others may think about me and my life.
The conclusion I have drawn from this is that I am not that much different from these old friends. Sure, we have had varying life experiences, but I do belong and matter.
I will say that again. I do belong and matter.
In my past, I have felt worthless. I have felt shame for who I am and things I have or have not done. This was not imposed on me by others, it was an internal thing.
Sick, sick...sick.
We definitely are harder on ourselves than other people are.
In this one dinner/drinks "girls nite", I realized that I often do not give myself credit and I guess I forgot how it felt to be a part of a group. I had a pretty active social life when I was in high school and into my twenties. Somewhere along the way, life happened and I did lose that "social" piece of me.
Once upon a time, in spite of some of the trials in life, I was basically a happy-go-lucky person. I have determined I want to be that person again.
Life happens, but it is too short to wallow in the hard and bad times. Yes, you must acknowledge them, and you must learn from them. But, you also must move on.
I guess 2011 is that year for me. Growth, change...moving on.
Of course, I am still going to ponder, and process...because I am a work in progress. But I have decided it is time to just have a little more fun. Enjoy my family, my friends, my classes, everything.
Here's to more girl's nites and to other fun things to remember why life is so good.
Me? A positive attitude?
Sure, with a side of sarcasm. After all, I am trying to be more genuine! ;)
Life does just happen, and it gets really busy when it does.
Lately, small things make me sit back and really reflect. Things that seem insignificant enough, but somehow warrant more attention to them than what one might think...
For instance:
I met some good, old friends for dinner/drinks a week ago on Thursday. Now, they are not OLD--at least,not older than I am--but I have known these women for better than twenty years. I have not been in constant touch with all of these women in the last twenty years because life does just happen. That said, we have been making more of an effort to try to get together in the past couple of years thanks to our 20th class reunion. I hope the dinner/drinks thing happens even more often now, though, because I really enjoyed spending time with these ladies. I can be myself around all of them. That is definitely a good thing.
And I haven't laughed like that in a very long time!!
How does this go to my "something that warrants more attention" you may ask?
Well, I have been reflecting on it this past week.
I spent much of the last twenty years after high school trying to figure out who I am and what I want to do. I have wasted a good portion of that time hiding out. What I mean by that is I often do not step out of my comfort zone and let myself just be ME. I worried too much in the past about what others may think about me and my life.
The conclusion I have drawn from this is that I am not that much different from these old friends. Sure, we have had varying life experiences, but I do belong and matter.
I will say that again. I do belong and matter.
In my past, I have felt worthless. I have felt shame for who I am and things I have or have not done. This was not imposed on me by others, it was an internal thing.
Sick, sick...sick.
We definitely are harder on ourselves than other people are.
In this one dinner/drinks "girls nite", I realized that I often do not give myself credit and I guess I forgot how it felt to be a part of a group. I had a pretty active social life when I was in high school and into my twenties. Somewhere along the way, life happened and I did lose that "social" piece of me.
Once upon a time, in spite of some of the trials in life, I was basically a happy-go-lucky person. I have determined I want to be that person again.
Life happens, but it is too short to wallow in the hard and bad times. Yes, you must acknowledge them, and you must learn from them. But, you also must move on.
I guess 2011 is that year for me. Growth, change...moving on.
Of course, I am still going to ponder, and process...because I am a work in progress. But I have decided it is time to just have a little more fun. Enjoy my family, my friends, my classes, everything.
Here's to more girl's nites and to other fun things to remember why life is so good.
Me? A positive attitude?
Sure, with a side of sarcasm. After all, I am trying to be more genuine! ;)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Todd...
Well it has been awhile since I have written anything last. Thanks to a rigorous college schedule, I have been reading textbooks and writing essays and such. Not a lot of time for therapeutic scribe.
In my English Comp class, we are writing narrative essays. We are to draw from a personal experience of some sort to write about. While I have oodles of experiences I could write about, none are speaking to me for a five page paper. It seems like a lot of pages. I am not that interesting.
So, I am blogging this morning before I head to campus to see if it will spark anything.
I have been thinking about my friend Todd lately.
Todd was a man I met while I was a Home Care CNA. Todd was my client. He was just months younger than my Dad, and was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).
Before I went in to start working with Todd, the agency had a little "training" about ALS. It didn't prepare me at all for working with him.
The very first day I went to Todd and Judy's, I walked in through the living room (as I was instructed to do) and when I rounded the corner into the kitchen, I found Todd sitting in his power wheel chair at the dining room table.
I walked up to him, introduced myself and shook his hand. He looked at me and didn't say anything. He just sort of nodded his head at me.
On that first day, I was to make sure Todd got his medications, make sure he ate, and just get acquainted with him and the house.
He didn't say a word to me that first day. I was there two hours and he didn't say a WORD.
Now, they had told me that he had speech issues due to the ALS, but I expected some communication. Nothing from him.
So, as I worked I kept up my cheery chatter. I was starting to irritate myself at the end of the appointment. But, if Todd was irritated, he didn't say anything.
When I left that day, I was trying to figure out a way to communicate with this person. I wanted to know likes, dislikes and so on so I could better help him.
The next day, I came in and did my duties. I chattered less, simply because I figured it was annoying. I was getting on my own nerves, I couldn't imagine what this man was thinking about me.
Day two? Still not a word out of Todd.
Day three went by much the same way. I was beginning to think that maybe it was too exhausting for him to talk, or that his ability was gone. I felt like I was settling into a routine there, and was getting more comfortable. He responded to verbal cues and didn't seem irritated or frustrated with me.
On day four, I walked in and greeted Todd. I started to get busy working on his breakfast and the other duties I had to do.
When I served Todd his breakfast and sat down to make sure his meds were set up, he looked at me, half-smiled and said "you're okay". His speech was a little mushy from the ALS, but it was clear enough.
This man was testing me. From day one.
I heard later from my RN Supervisor that this man ate and spit out several other CNA's. He was a tough one to please.
It was later that I found out they sent me in as a last ditch effort with Todd. He had been so surly and difficult that the agency had discussed referring him elsewhere for care. The RN Supervisor thought he was someone that I could handle, and she thought he might like me.
As it turned out, Todd and I became much more than an aide and a client. We became very good friends.
I learned more in the year or so I worked with him than I ever did in any other setting.
I am not sure if it's the ALS, or if it's just the human spirit in some people...but with Todd and every other client with ALS that I worked with later...there was a spirit, a spark--these people were not going to let the disease win. Or at least they were going to live life for as long as they were able.
Todd used to say that he had a terminal illness, but he was a procrastinator, so he was putting it off. He did, too. He lived for nearly nine years with a disease that claims many of it's victims in two years.
I am not sure why I have been thinking about him so much lately. In his darkest hours, he was an inspiration to me. Maybe I am trying to be inspired by him again.
Maybe I just miss my friend.
In my English Comp class, we are writing narrative essays. We are to draw from a personal experience of some sort to write about. While I have oodles of experiences I could write about, none are speaking to me for a five page paper. It seems like a lot of pages. I am not that interesting.
So, I am blogging this morning before I head to campus to see if it will spark anything.
I have been thinking about my friend Todd lately.
Todd was a man I met while I was a Home Care CNA. Todd was my client. He was just months younger than my Dad, and was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).
Before I went in to start working with Todd, the agency had a little "training" about ALS. It didn't prepare me at all for working with him.
The very first day I went to Todd and Judy's, I walked in through the living room (as I was instructed to do) and when I rounded the corner into the kitchen, I found Todd sitting in his power wheel chair at the dining room table.
I walked up to him, introduced myself and shook his hand. He looked at me and didn't say anything. He just sort of nodded his head at me.
On that first day, I was to make sure Todd got his medications, make sure he ate, and just get acquainted with him and the house.
He didn't say a word to me that first day. I was there two hours and he didn't say a WORD.
Now, they had told me that he had speech issues due to the ALS, but I expected some communication. Nothing from him.
So, as I worked I kept up my cheery chatter. I was starting to irritate myself at the end of the appointment. But, if Todd was irritated, he didn't say anything.
When I left that day, I was trying to figure out a way to communicate with this person. I wanted to know likes, dislikes and so on so I could better help him.
The next day, I came in and did my duties. I chattered less, simply because I figured it was annoying. I was getting on my own nerves, I couldn't imagine what this man was thinking about me.
Day two? Still not a word out of Todd.
Day three went by much the same way. I was beginning to think that maybe it was too exhausting for him to talk, or that his ability was gone. I felt like I was settling into a routine there, and was getting more comfortable. He responded to verbal cues and didn't seem irritated or frustrated with me.
On day four, I walked in and greeted Todd. I started to get busy working on his breakfast and the other duties I had to do.
When I served Todd his breakfast and sat down to make sure his meds were set up, he looked at me, half-smiled and said "you're okay". His speech was a little mushy from the ALS, but it was clear enough.
This man was testing me. From day one.
I heard later from my RN Supervisor that this man ate and spit out several other CNA's. He was a tough one to please.
It was later that I found out they sent me in as a last ditch effort with Todd. He had been so surly and difficult that the agency had discussed referring him elsewhere for care. The RN Supervisor thought he was someone that I could handle, and she thought he might like me.
As it turned out, Todd and I became much more than an aide and a client. We became very good friends.
I learned more in the year or so I worked with him than I ever did in any other setting.
I am not sure if it's the ALS, or if it's just the human spirit in some people...but with Todd and every other client with ALS that I worked with later...there was a spirit, a spark--these people were not going to let the disease win. Or at least they were going to live life for as long as they were able.
Todd used to say that he had a terminal illness, but he was a procrastinator, so he was putting it off. He did, too. He lived for nearly nine years with a disease that claims many of it's victims in two years.
I am not sure why I have been thinking about him so much lately. In his darkest hours, he was an inspiration to me. Maybe I am trying to be inspired by him again.
Maybe I just miss my friend.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Distance and Perception
I was thinking about distance today, on my drive to Black River Falls.
I have to admit, I often isolate and distance myself from others. It is a coping mechanism when my moods are "off". I sometimes can't deal with myself, let alone anyone else in the outside world.
It is rarely about other people. Occasionally, it is. Mostly it is about me trying to get a grip on myself to be able to function like a normal person.
Perception can be a funny thing. I know my perception of things in the past has been flawed and skewed by the moods. It is a realization I came upon a few years ago, when I was in therapy. I actually have to take a step back from things sometimes, and sort of take the temperature of the situation and my gut perception of it. I have been way off base before. I mean WAY off.
I have worked over 30 jobs in my 39 years on this Earth. Mostly left each one because I felt slighted, or perceived I had done something wrong.
I also was not functioning well a majority of the time. Oh sure, on the surface I could do my job. I am a very bright person.
But the roller coaster of the moods and the panic when it sneaks up on me--well, life isn't very fun when things are chaotic in my head.
How am I today? Right this very minute...pretty darned good, thanks for asking! But the moods wax and wane, and tomorrow I may be having an issue with the ups or the downs. Can never tell which way these things will go.
I am trying to continue on a therapeutic path. I am finally doing some things for myself (and in turn my family) by going back to school. This is one of those things that I have seriously self-destructed on in the past. I mean, I really blew it up. I don't want to do that this time. It is very important to me.
I have to prove to myself that I am capable of following through.
So far, I think I have.
I have been goal setting:
My overall big prize--the Master's Degree--my ticket out of this frozen wasteland.
My smaller carrots--each successful semester--one down, thirteen to go. It actually doesn't sound that bad to me when broken down like that.
Then I have each semester, broken down into weeks. Sixteen even smaller goals. Check 'em off the calendar as I get through the work.
My perception is working right now. It was a good weekend.
I have to admit, I often isolate and distance myself from others. It is a coping mechanism when my moods are "off". I sometimes can't deal with myself, let alone anyone else in the outside world.
It is rarely about other people. Occasionally, it is. Mostly it is about me trying to get a grip on myself to be able to function like a normal person.
Perception can be a funny thing. I know my perception of things in the past has been flawed and skewed by the moods. It is a realization I came upon a few years ago, when I was in therapy. I actually have to take a step back from things sometimes, and sort of take the temperature of the situation and my gut perception of it. I have been way off base before. I mean WAY off.
I have worked over 30 jobs in my 39 years on this Earth. Mostly left each one because I felt slighted, or perceived I had done something wrong.
I also was not functioning well a majority of the time. Oh sure, on the surface I could do my job. I am a very bright person.
But the roller coaster of the moods and the panic when it sneaks up on me--well, life isn't very fun when things are chaotic in my head.
How am I today? Right this very minute...pretty darned good, thanks for asking! But the moods wax and wane, and tomorrow I may be having an issue with the ups or the downs. Can never tell which way these things will go.
I am trying to continue on a therapeutic path. I am finally doing some things for myself (and in turn my family) by going back to school. This is one of those things that I have seriously self-destructed on in the past. I mean, I really blew it up. I don't want to do that this time. It is very important to me.
I have to prove to myself that I am capable of following through.
So far, I think I have.
I have been goal setting:
My overall big prize--the Master's Degree--my ticket out of this frozen wasteland.
My smaller carrots--each successful semester--one down, thirteen to go. It actually doesn't sound that bad to me when broken down like that.
Then I have each semester, broken down into weeks. Sixteen even smaller goals. Check 'em off the calendar as I get through the work.
My perception is working right now. It was a good weekend.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Lucky fishies and contemplations about the past...
Kaity went to Port Edwards today to visit overnight at her friends' house.
Bill and I drove her to Black River Falls and just dropped her off!
Seriously, her friends and their dad met us there to make the exchange. We give them our kid, and we get four hours of playtime at Majestic Pines. Sounded like a fair deal to me. After all, I can't go to Black River and NOT go to the casino, right?
Anyhow, it was nice to have a few hours just with the hubby. We don't get that much alone time just to be together. It certainly doesn't hurt that we were winning!
We were playing this super cute video slot machine--they are new ones where you have all these little fish, and these random fish bonuses come up all of the time. :D We had a good time taking someone else's money out of the casino and not leaving ours there!
On our way home, we were talking. We were talking about before we had our kids, and the friends we used to have. I say "used to" because we had one couple we were pretty close with. We did tons of stuff with them, but sometime after Mike was born they started to distance themselves from us. I know it was a conscious effort on their part that they distanced. Not exactly sure why though. I have always tried to figure it out.
Today, I think I did.
There was this one time--we went to the cities and spent the night in a hotel with them. We were heading to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival the next day. The trip had almost been called off for us because for the week or so before, I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection. But because it was going to be a fun weekend, and I was feeling better--we went.
The morning of the Renaissance, I still had a bit of a cough. So, I took my prescription cough syrup and didn't think twice about it.
It was wine tasting weekend at the Renaissance.
Needless to say, the wine and the cough syrup didn't mix and I was really sleepy and nearly passing out for a bit. It was not an intentional mix...
When we got back to the hotel later, the guy and I went to go to get snacks, while the gal and my hubby stayed back. On the car ride over to the store, the guy starts giving me this talk about how he "used to do that (mix alcohol and codeine) and how I was being stupid for doing it". I was confused at the conversation, because it was like a lecture--and it wasn't as if I did it on purpose. Maybe that wasn't evident to this person.
It was around this time that I was also struggling with the bipolar disorder, and had not even come close to being diagnosed yet. I don't think I had even been to a therapist yet, and if I had I hadn't liked the fact that he wanted me to see a shrink--I was not ready to face it.
Now, we used to drink and party. And I could drink with the boys and keep up. But I never EVER mixed prescription medication with alcohol intentionally to get drunk and high.
I think I have figured out the root to why these people, who were once very dear friends, distanced themselves from us.
I think they thought I was doing drugs.
I was erratic at times, yes. But it was the bipolar disorder that was the root of it all.
I just wonder what the truth to this situation is.
It is kind of sad, really. They stood up at our wedding as our witnesses, they were our very best friends. We put it off for awhile that our lives were becoming different when our son was born--theirs was getting older and in middle school by then. We didn't have all of the disposable income to travel and do stuff like we were able to before, they did.
And because we were starting our family, money was an issue. Maybe even more of an issue because I was struggling with the bipolar disorder. One always plays off the other with me. Handling money is my achilles' heel.
We have reached out to them over the years since. A couple of times sent Christmas cards, invited them to parties we had. Not a word back those times.
I wonder if maybe I said or did something unintentionally to upset or hurt them directly? I mean besides my erratic behavior and mixing of booze and cough syrup. I mean, if I did...I am sorry. I would have never intentionally did anything to piss off or upset these people. They were very good friends.
Does it even matter anymore?
Through Facebook, I have had little "chats" with the guy again, and the gal is on my friends' list too. Which I guess is good, forward progress.
It would be nice if we could all get together like we used to. But, maybe that is just the way life is and people go their separate ways for whatever reason. Maybe I over think everything and just shouldn't care.
Oh, I know I over think everything...
I may never know the whole truth.
Maybe I don't want to...
Bill and I drove her to Black River Falls and just dropped her off!
Seriously, her friends and their dad met us there to make the exchange. We give them our kid, and we get four hours of playtime at Majestic Pines. Sounded like a fair deal to me. After all, I can't go to Black River and NOT go to the casino, right?
Anyhow, it was nice to have a few hours just with the hubby. We don't get that much alone time just to be together. It certainly doesn't hurt that we were winning!
We were playing this super cute video slot machine--they are new ones where you have all these little fish, and these random fish bonuses come up all of the time. :D We had a good time taking someone else's money out of the casino and not leaving ours there!
On our way home, we were talking. We were talking about before we had our kids, and the friends we used to have. I say "used to" because we had one couple we were pretty close with. We did tons of stuff with them, but sometime after Mike was born they started to distance themselves from us. I know it was a conscious effort on their part that they distanced. Not exactly sure why though. I have always tried to figure it out.
Today, I think I did.
There was this one time--we went to the cities and spent the night in a hotel with them. We were heading to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival the next day. The trip had almost been called off for us because for the week or so before, I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection. But because it was going to be a fun weekend, and I was feeling better--we went.
The morning of the Renaissance, I still had a bit of a cough. So, I took my prescription cough syrup and didn't think twice about it.
It was wine tasting weekend at the Renaissance.
Needless to say, the wine and the cough syrup didn't mix and I was really sleepy and nearly passing out for a bit. It was not an intentional mix...
When we got back to the hotel later, the guy and I went to go to get snacks, while the gal and my hubby stayed back. On the car ride over to the store, the guy starts giving me this talk about how he "used to do that (mix alcohol and codeine) and how I was being stupid for doing it". I was confused at the conversation, because it was like a lecture--and it wasn't as if I did it on purpose. Maybe that wasn't evident to this person.
It was around this time that I was also struggling with the bipolar disorder, and had not even come close to being diagnosed yet. I don't think I had even been to a therapist yet, and if I had I hadn't liked the fact that he wanted me to see a shrink--I was not ready to face it.
Now, we used to drink and party. And I could drink with the boys and keep up. But I never EVER mixed prescription medication with alcohol intentionally to get drunk and high.
I think I have figured out the root to why these people, who were once very dear friends, distanced themselves from us.
I think they thought I was doing drugs.
I was erratic at times, yes. But it was the bipolar disorder that was the root of it all.
I just wonder what the truth to this situation is.
It is kind of sad, really. They stood up at our wedding as our witnesses, they were our very best friends. We put it off for awhile that our lives were becoming different when our son was born--theirs was getting older and in middle school by then. We didn't have all of the disposable income to travel and do stuff like we were able to before, they did.
And because we were starting our family, money was an issue. Maybe even more of an issue because I was struggling with the bipolar disorder. One always plays off the other with me. Handling money is my achilles' heel.
We have reached out to them over the years since. A couple of times sent Christmas cards, invited them to parties we had. Not a word back those times.
I wonder if maybe I said or did something unintentionally to upset or hurt them directly? I mean besides my erratic behavior and mixing of booze and cough syrup. I mean, if I did...I am sorry. I would have never intentionally did anything to piss off or upset these people. They were very good friends.
Does it even matter anymore?
Through Facebook, I have had little "chats" with the guy again, and the gal is on my friends' list too. Which I guess is good, forward progress.
It would be nice if we could all get together like we used to. But, maybe that is just the way life is and people go their separate ways for whatever reason. Maybe I over think everything and just shouldn't care.
Oh, I know I over think everything...
I may never know the whole truth.
Maybe I don't want to...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Okay, so where's my prescription for a plane ticket outta here?!
I did get the results of my MRI.
I found out on Wednesday that I have to start making some serious lifestyle changes or I will likely be very crippled up by the time I am sixty.
I have Osteoarthritis (OA) in my cervical spine (neck), and likely everywhere else that I have had pain (ie: knees, hands, wrists, feet, back, even migraines and headaches etc).
While I am thankful it isn't Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and that I have an answer to many questions, I am not very happy that I have an "old person's disease" and I am not even 40 (yet!).
So, I am shopping for an elliptical or a treadmill. I am also researching diets for a lifestyle change that way. Not just for weight loss, but to feel better all of the way around.
Seems the extreme deficiency in vitamin D can cause you to feel the pain more acutely.
And the thyroid thing? Well, it is just enlarged. No explanation. The TSH was 1.67 (normal range is 0.35 to 4.50), the T3- free was 3.3 (normal is 2.1 to 4.1). The T4- free was 1.1 which is on the high side of normal (normal is 0.7 to 1.2). No nodules, no cysts, no tumors. The good news is, it isn't anything. The bad news is...it isn't anything. So we watch and wait.
So, I hurt when it's fricken cold outside.
I get to take Meloxicam for the rest of my life, or until I hurt worse. Whichever comes first.
I can no longer take my usual medication for migraine, so they are trying something else. I want to have a positive attitude about this, but my usual medications have worked pretty well for a long time. I am worried that whatever it is they give me may not.
Okay, enough with the pity party. Off to price out exercise equipment and figure out the diet thing. I said 2011 was going to be a year of change. I guess this is God's way of making me stick to my word.
I found out on Wednesday that I have to start making some serious lifestyle changes or I will likely be very crippled up by the time I am sixty.
I have Osteoarthritis (OA) in my cervical spine (neck), and likely everywhere else that I have had pain (ie: knees, hands, wrists, feet, back, even migraines and headaches etc).
While I am thankful it isn't Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and that I have an answer to many questions, I am not very happy that I have an "old person's disease" and I am not even 40 (yet!).
So, I am shopping for an elliptical or a treadmill. I am also researching diets for a lifestyle change that way. Not just for weight loss, but to feel better all of the way around.
Seems the extreme deficiency in vitamin D can cause you to feel the pain more acutely.
And the thyroid thing? Well, it is just enlarged. No explanation. The TSH was 1.67 (normal range is 0.35 to 4.50), the T3- free was 3.3 (normal is 2.1 to 4.1). The T4- free was 1.1 which is on the high side of normal (normal is 0.7 to 1.2). No nodules, no cysts, no tumors. The good news is, it isn't anything. The bad news is...it isn't anything. So we watch and wait.
So, I hurt when it's fricken cold outside.
I get to take Meloxicam for the rest of my life, or until I hurt worse. Whichever comes first.
I can no longer take my usual medication for migraine, so they are trying something else. I want to have a positive attitude about this, but my usual medications have worked pretty well for a long time. I am worried that whatever it is they give me may not.
Okay, enough with the pity party. Off to price out exercise equipment and figure out the diet thing. I said 2011 was going to be a year of change. I guess this is God's way of making me stick to my word.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Not the way to start the day...
I woke up over an hour late.
Ten minutes later, I started getting the 'aura' of a migraine in my eyes. For anyone who has never experienced this--I don't recommend it. The 'aura' is like looking through milky stained glass in my left eye and if I am not careful, it will continue into a crushing headache.
Well, I am happy to report that the headache hasn't hit, but I still am having vision difficulties in my left eye. So much so that my kids are getting a free day off from school because at this point, I cannot drive. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not.
I am not sure why I overslept. The alarm was set (I thought).
I am super edgy today because I have to go in for the ultrasound on my thyroid and the MRI on my neck and shoulder. I am claustrophobic, so I will have to take some Xanax before the MRI. I just hope this gets to the bottom of what is going on...I am sick of feeling tired, cold, and just plain crappy.
Well, with an enlarged thyroid (can't miss it, not sure how I did!) there is definitely something going on.
Here's to good news coming my way...
Ten minutes later, I started getting the 'aura' of a migraine in my eyes. For anyone who has never experienced this--I don't recommend it. The 'aura' is like looking through milky stained glass in my left eye and if I am not careful, it will continue into a crushing headache.
Well, I am happy to report that the headache hasn't hit, but I still am having vision difficulties in my left eye. So much so that my kids are getting a free day off from school because at this point, I cannot drive. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not.
I am not sure why I overslept. The alarm was set (I thought).
I am super edgy today because I have to go in for the ultrasound on my thyroid and the MRI on my neck and shoulder. I am claustrophobic, so I will have to take some Xanax before the MRI. I just hope this gets to the bottom of what is going on...I am sick of feeling tired, cold, and just plain crappy.
Well, with an enlarged thyroid (can't miss it, not sure how I did!) there is definitely something going on.
Here's to good news coming my way...
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Psychology of Facebook Relations
Facebook is truly a microcosm of life.
Through my connections, this weekend I have seen life, death, birthdays, celebrations, the good...the bad, and the ugly...
(I consider the Packers win one of "the ugly". LOL)
Facebook has made the world just a little smaller. Sometimes that is very good, because when you are looking for someone to bounce things off of, or that have things in common...it has made it much easier to do that.
Sometimes it isn't so good when you get bombarded with invites from all of the different applications--but that is just a part of life on FB. I say, deal with it.
I have reconnected with old friends and gotten better acquainted with people who were just acquaintances before. Of course, there is that occasional person that I don't really want to know more about...but overall, I find the status updates, the photos, the connections very interesting.
I wonder how long til there is a college course studying the psychology of Facebook relations??
Happy Monday! :D
Through my connections, this weekend I have seen life, death, birthdays, celebrations, the good...the bad, and the ugly...
(I consider the Packers win one of "the ugly". LOL)
Facebook has made the world just a little smaller. Sometimes that is very good, because when you are looking for someone to bounce things off of, or that have things in common...it has made it much easier to do that.
Sometimes it isn't so good when you get bombarded with invites from all of the different applications--but that is just a part of life on FB. I say, deal with it.
I have reconnected with old friends and gotten better acquainted with people who were just acquaintances before. Of course, there is that occasional person that I don't really want to know more about...but overall, I find the status updates, the photos, the connections very interesting.
I wonder how long til there is a college course studying the psychology of Facebook relations??
Happy Monday! :D
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Here comes the sun...and I say: it's all right! :)
The sun was a welcome sight today. I needed it. If it were warmer, I would go and sit in it.
Something new I am adding to my goals for the year is to sit in the sun more. Obviously I need to with a low vitamin D level--maybe I can go off the pills in the summer time and if not, D is a hard vitamin to OD on...so I will just get some extra!
My day started out rough. I was achy and hungry, but nothing sounded good. So I went to the grocery store, and then ate some yummy broasted chicken ($1 with $5 in deli purchases at Gordy's...quite the deal) and a really tasty deli salad (Turkey club). Felt pretty good for a few minutes, then the headache came on...grrrr.
Took the requisite 800mg ibuprofen, took Kait to her sleepover birthday party, and visited with her friend's mom (whom I just met today). The girl's mom and grandma were super nice and interesting to visit with. :) I am glad my daughter has such good friends!
By the time I got back, my headache was gone. :)
My son's friend, Rob is over now and I just met his mom for the first time today too. It is amazing how you can meet someone and just get along. :) We sat and chatted for awhile before she had to leave. We have a lot in common, which is cool. And her son is a super great kid :) I am glad my son has such good friends too!
It is neat to be able to meet nice people...I met three all in the same day!
Get some pizzas for the teenage boys...they are going to play Wii Madden NFL '11 til the sun comes up, probably. :) Tonight, I will just chill.
A good day. Gotta document those, too!
Something new I am adding to my goals for the year is to sit in the sun more. Obviously I need to with a low vitamin D level--maybe I can go off the pills in the summer time and if not, D is a hard vitamin to OD on...so I will just get some extra!
My day started out rough. I was achy and hungry, but nothing sounded good. So I went to the grocery store, and then ate some yummy broasted chicken ($1 with $5 in deli purchases at Gordy's...quite the deal) and a really tasty deli salad (Turkey club). Felt pretty good for a few minutes, then the headache came on...grrrr.
Took the requisite 800mg ibuprofen, took Kait to her sleepover birthday party, and visited with her friend's mom (whom I just met today). The girl's mom and grandma were super nice and interesting to visit with. :) I am glad my daughter has such good friends!
By the time I got back, my headache was gone. :)
My son's friend, Rob is over now and I just met his mom for the first time today too. It is amazing how you can meet someone and just get along. :) We sat and chatted for awhile before she had to leave. We have a lot in common, which is cool. And her son is a super great kid :) I am glad my son has such good friends too!
It is neat to be able to meet nice people...I met three all in the same day!
Get some pizzas for the teenage boys...they are going to play Wii Madden NFL '11 til the sun comes up, probably. :) Tonight, I will just chill.
A good day. Gotta document those, too!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Now what?
I truly do not want this blog to be a bitch session. But it is about me and what is going on in my life...and right now there is stuff going on...
I got a call from my MD's office this morning to tell me the results of my blood work.
First of all, not making me wait for these results is amazing. I totally love this doctor and her nurse...
My vitamin D is low. Extremely low, in fact. Not a great surprise because it has been low before and I forget to take the supplements. The good news is that I bought some more after I saw Dr. H and I am taking the right amount.
Cholesterol is excellent, blood sugar is excellent, no other deficiencies or red flags...it is all in normal ranges.
Including the thyroid tests...TSH, T3 and T4. (?!?!)
So what does this mean??
Could be nothing/something/anything...maybe.
I was told three (3!) times by the nurse to "make sure" I keep my appointments for the ultrasound and MRI next Wednesday. Like I was going to blow them off or something now that the blood work is so good.
So, naturally, I am concerned. Concerned means alternately calm and FREAKING OUT!!!
As I said before--I am not a patient patient. It is going to take forever for Wednesday to get here...
I got a call from my MD's office this morning to tell me the results of my blood work.
First of all, not making me wait for these results is amazing. I totally love this doctor and her nurse...
My vitamin D is low. Extremely low, in fact. Not a great surprise because it has been low before and I forget to take the supplements. The good news is that I bought some more after I saw Dr. H and I am taking the right amount.
Cholesterol is excellent, blood sugar is excellent, no other deficiencies or red flags...it is all in normal ranges.
Including the thyroid tests...TSH, T3 and T4. (?!?!)
So what does this mean??
Could be nothing/something/anything...maybe.
I was told three (3!) times by the nurse to "make sure" I keep my appointments for the ultrasound and MRI next Wednesday. Like I was going to blow them off or something now that the blood work is so good.
So, naturally, I am concerned. Concerned means alternately calm and FREAKING OUT!!!
As I said before--I am not a patient patient. It is going to take forever for Wednesday to get here...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A Hell of a Lucky Girl!
I don't want my blog to be all negative. My life is far from all negative!
I do have concerns about my own health right now, and of course I always worry about my parents...but overall I know I am very lucky.
I was able to find my best friend, and marry him. We have two beautiful children. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we yell at the kids, we do the usual mundane things...make dinner, wash dishes...and so on...
I am fortunate because we do it all...together.
Not everyone has that someone to do it all together with. Even if they do, some people don't realize how very fortunate they are.
Do we do it all perfectly? Hell NO!! We make all sorts of mistakes along the way!
But, you know what?? I wouldn't change a thing...
I do have concerns about my own health right now, and of course I always worry about my parents...but overall I know I am very lucky.
I was able to find my best friend, and marry him. We have two beautiful children. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we yell at the kids, we do the usual mundane things...make dinner, wash dishes...and so on...
I am fortunate because we do it all...together.
Not everyone has that someone to do it all together with. Even if they do, some people don't realize how very fortunate they are.
But, you know what?? I wouldn't change a thing...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The waiting is the hardest part (it would be easier if Tom Petty was here signin' it!)
Did my blood work today. Only two teensy little vials. That was a relief. With all of the blood work ordered I pictured the Cullen family gathering around for a feast or something!!
Now I wait for the results of that, and wait for next Wednesday to get here to get the ultrasound of my thyroid and the MRI of my neck and shoulder done...tick...tick...tick...
I am an anxious person by nature. So, I don't wait well.
I need a distraction.
This isn't it.
*sigh*
Now I wait for the results of that, and wait for next Wednesday to get here to get the ultrasound of my thyroid and the MRI of my neck and shoulder done...tick...tick...tick...
I am an anxious person by nature. So, I don't wait well.
I need a distraction.
This isn't it.
*sigh*
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Hypochondria, or the lack of a better explanation...
I am going in to the doctor today to see why I am having the following symptoms:
I can't warm up. I have been cold for the past couple of weeks. I hate winter but I don't think this is a psychological issue. I have never had a problem with this before, even though I much prefer 95 degrees in the shade over winter.
I have been having chest pain. Primarily in the left side of my chest but sometimes it is my entire chest. It feels as if it is in the chest wall--I have been attributing it to a herniated thoracic disc that I have had problems with for years. My ribs sometimes hurt all the way around, though with this chest pain, not so much. At times it makes me think of the pain I experienced when I had gall bladder attacks, but that is impossible because that has been out for 13 years. Either way, I am getting that checked out more for Bill than me. I think it is nothing.
Sometimes the chest pain feels like it is in my shoulder. And in that left arm pit I have had a lump that comes and goes. I think it is a lymph node. Today, it is not noticeable, but sometimes it is quite sore.
I have had several bouts with vertigo just in the past few weeks. I experience it at least once or twice a month as it is, but it seems to have increased. I also have had double vision for years on and off--the MDs put it off to a muscle thing in my left eye, but it happens in both these days (no rhyme or reason to it).
I occasionally lose complete feeling in my left arm. I mean GONE. Bill didn't believe me once and pinched me as hard as he could and I felt NOTHING. (He did this with my blessing of course, he is not abusive!)
I have pain in my joints--more than a thirty-something should.
I have suffered from intermittent migraines forever. And if I don't have a migraine headache, it is likely I have some kind of headache at least for a little bit every single day.
I have had weird paralysis in my face and pain in my neck. It feels as though I can't move my jaw when it happens and of course it freaks me out some when it occurs. This hasn't happened a lot, but when it does it is bizarre.
I have a weird feeling sometimes, hard to explain...like I am disconnected. Hearing under water, like I may pass out. It also goes away so I haven't bothered to get it checked out.
My former MD kept testing me for MS due to many symptoms that couldn't be explained otherwise and he kept coming up empty. I kept passing the tests.
I have quit doctoring because like everyone else, I am thinking it is all in my head. I mean I am Bipolar after all, and I have a vivid imagination. And the minute that anyone sees that on your chart, they assume it's all in your head anyway.
So, I am certain after going through some testing (again) they will come up with absolutely nothing. I am going to discuss seeing a dietitian and finding a way to lose weight. I am certain that whatever this is (or isn't), it isn't helped by my weight.
I wish I could just skip it, feels like a big waste of time.
Okay, I am done with my bitch session...time for a quick nap.
I can't warm up. I have been cold for the past couple of weeks. I hate winter but I don't think this is a psychological issue. I have never had a problem with this before, even though I much prefer 95 degrees in the shade over winter.
I have been having chest pain. Primarily in the left side of my chest but sometimes it is my entire chest. It feels as if it is in the chest wall--I have been attributing it to a herniated thoracic disc that I have had problems with for years. My ribs sometimes hurt all the way around, though with this chest pain, not so much. At times it makes me think of the pain I experienced when I had gall bladder attacks, but that is impossible because that has been out for 13 years. Either way, I am getting that checked out more for Bill than me. I think it is nothing.
Sometimes the chest pain feels like it is in my shoulder. And in that left arm pit I have had a lump that comes and goes. I think it is a lymph node. Today, it is not noticeable, but sometimes it is quite sore.
I have had several bouts with vertigo just in the past few weeks. I experience it at least once or twice a month as it is, but it seems to have increased. I also have had double vision for years on and off--the MDs put it off to a muscle thing in my left eye, but it happens in both these days (no rhyme or reason to it).
I occasionally lose complete feeling in my left arm. I mean GONE. Bill didn't believe me once and pinched me as hard as he could and I felt NOTHING. (He did this with my blessing of course, he is not abusive!)
I have pain in my joints--more than a thirty-something should.
I have suffered from intermittent migraines forever. And if I don't have a migraine headache, it is likely I have some kind of headache at least for a little bit every single day.
I have had weird paralysis in my face and pain in my neck. It feels as though I can't move my jaw when it happens and of course it freaks me out some when it occurs. This hasn't happened a lot, but when it does it is bizarre.
I have a weird feeling sometimes, hard to explain...like I am disconnected. Hearing under water, like I may pass out. It also goes away so I haven't bothered to get it checked out.
My former MD kept testing me for MS due to many symptoms that couldn't be explained otherwise and he kept coming up empty. I kept passing the tests.
I have quit doctoring because like everyone else, I am thinking it is all in my head. I mean I am Bipolar after all, and I have a vivid imagination. And the minute that anyone sees that on your chart, they assume it's all in your head anyway.
So, I am certain after going through some testing (again) they will come up with absolutely nothing. I am going to discuss seeing a dietitian and finding a way to lose weight. I am certain that whatever this is (or isn't), it isn't helped by my weight.
I wish I could just skip it, feels like a big waste of time.
Okay, I am done with my bitch session...time for a quick nap.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Communication...yeah right.
I have to apologize to my dear sister for finding out about our Grandmother through a posting...
In the future, if I am uncertain if she knows something or not--I will be contacting her right away to be sure. I feel like a total heel.
We do lack good communication in our family...and it seems to only have gotten worse instead of better.
I was thinking about communication this morning too.
When I was a CNA/Telemetry Technician at Sacred Heart Hospital, there were two consecutive summers where my mother was in the hospital for her mental illness. Now, I have never been one to hide the fact that my mom has Bipolar Disorder, or the fact that she spent much of my life in the hospital. It is a fact of my life that is relatively normal to ME.
During my time at Sacred Heart, my son was also diagnosed with the disorder. I was in the process of being diagnosed (though deep down I KNEW...I just had great difficulty accepting it myself). I was very vocal, and had many others dealing with a variety of mental health issues come to me for advice (about their child, parent, or even themselves). I was told several times that they were grateful that someone else knew what they were experiencing, and they appreciated my candor on the issues.
Quite frankly, Eau Claire is a difficult place to maneuver the mental health system. I suspect it is the same in most places, but since we have been involved with it (me, my whole life) I knew a few tricks and knew the people and places to go to get help. At least, at the time I did--with health care changing the way mental illness is treated (minimally, sad to say), I no longer feel like I know the ropes. But, I digress.
There was one other CNA/Telemetry Technician I worked with that must not have appreciated my openness about what was going on because one day she looked me square in the eye and told me that I had better stop discussing it all together. Of course, I was taken aback, because no one had ever said this to me before. I had never been stigmatized until this very moment. It felt like a slap in the face and for a moment I didn't know what to say to this woman. I did finally stand up and tell her I didn't care what anyone thought. I really still don't.
My point is--the day we start sweeping it all under the rug is the day things start going backwards for families like mine, and for people like me. I know I am not the only one out there in this boat. In fact, a friend from high school just contacted me to say that he, too, has Bipolar Disorder...so does his mother, and his son. Wow, someone in the same position as me. It makes you feel a little more normal, knowing there are others out there.
We are not all lunatics. There are varying degrees of all mental health disorders. My mom? I always think of her situation as the worst case scenario...in and out of hospitals since I was just days old. But really, hers is NOT the worst case. She has had some quality of life and some very normal days. I guess my worry lies in the fact that she has the potential to be the very worst case scenario.
My fear of her being in the worst case scenario is what lead me to turn away from the diagnosis and try to pretend that I was not Bipolar. I refused to believe it. Even though the signs were all there, and had been since I was a senior in high school...the fact that no one ever picked up on it pretty much blows my mind. Perhaps no one wanted to see. I think that is more it than anything else.
Fast forward to now...
I am over five years out since my own meltdown and overdose. The day that Dr. Weggel looked me in the eye after that fiasco and asked me if I "had any doubt now that I was bipolar" and I had to answer "no" was the wake up call.
I constantly assess my mood. I recognize the wax and wane. I do try to go on medication when I feel I need it, though I do struggle with remembering to take it and subsequently stay un-medicated. I have had excellent cognitive and behavioral therapy. I do try not to bite off more than I can chew, even though sometimes I do take on too much--I realize it and adjust accordingly.
This first semester in school is a victory for me. I proved to myself that I can do it. Because of my disorder, and years of being out of control--I was certain I would once again crash and burn. It doesn't have to be that way!!
As for my son--he is very in tune with his moods as well. Even more than I am. It gives me hope that there is a normal life possible for us.
My mom has always talked about writing a book from her perspective. Sadly, I doubt it will ever happen. That said, I have also thought that I should put it all down and share it with the world in hopes that one other person or family could feel a little less alone. But, really...who knows if I will ever do that.
Gotta take it day by day. And when the going gets tough: hour by hour, or minute by minute. Whatever it takes to make it through the rough times. Because there are always going to be rough times. That's life.
I think that's life for everyone.
Thank God there are good moments and beauty in the world too, for balance.
Balance is good.
Namaste.
In the future, if I am uncertain if she knows something or not--I will be contacting her right away to be sure. I feel like a total heel.
We do lack good communication in our family...and it seems to only have gotten worse instead of better.
I was thinking about communication this morning too.
When I was a CNA/Telemetry Technician at Sacred Heart Hospital, there were two consecutive summers where my mother was in the hospital for her mental illness. Now, I have never been one to hide the fact that my mom has Bipolar Disorder, or the fact that she spent much of my life in the hospital. It is a fact of my life that is relatively normal to ME.
During my time at Sacred Heart, my son was also diagnosed with the disorder. I was in the process of being diagnosed (though deep down I KNEW...I just had great difficulty accepting it myself). I was very vocal, and had many others dealing with a variety of mental health issues come to me for advice (about their child, parent, or even themselves). I was told several times that they were grateful that someone else knew what they were experiencing, and they appreciated my candor on the issues.
Quite frankly, Eau Claire is a difficult place to maneuver the mental health system. I suspect it is the same in most places, but since we have been involved with it (me, my whole life) I knew a few tricks and knew the people and places to go to get help. At least, at the time I did--with health care changing the way mental illness is treated (minimally, sad to say), I no longer feel like I know the ropes. But, I digress.
There was one other CNA/Telemetry Technician I worked with that must not have appreciated my openness about what was going on because one day she looked me square in the eye and told me that I had better stop discussing it all together. Of course, I was taken aback, because no one had ever said this to me before. I had never been stigmatized until this very moment. It felt like a slap in the face and for a moment I didn't know what to say to this woman. I did finally stand up and tell her I didn't care what anyone thought. I really still don't.
My point is--the day we start sweeping it all under the rug is the day things start going backwards for families like mine, and for people like me. I know I am not the only one out there in this boat. In fact, a friend from high school just contacted me to say that he, too, has Bipolar Disorder...so does his mother, and his son. Wow, someone in the same position as me. It makes you feel a little more normal, knowing there are others out there.
We are not all lunatics. There are varying degrees of all mental health disorders. My mom? I always think of her situation as the worst case scenario...in and out of hospitals since I was just days old. But really, hers is NOT the worst case. She has had some quality of life and some very normal days. I guess my worry lies in the fact that she has the potential to be the very worst case scenario.
My fear of her being in the worst case scenario is what lead me to turn away from the diagnosis and try to pretend that I was not Bipolar. I refused to believe it. Even though the signs were all there, and had been since I was a senior in high school...the fact that no one ever picked up on it pretty much blows my mind. Perhaps no one wanted to see. I think that is more it than anything else.
Fast forward to now...
I am over five years out since my own meltdown and overdose. The day that Dr. Weggel looked me in the eye after that fiasco and asked me if I "had any doubt now that I was bipolar" and I had to answer "no" was the wake up call.
I constantly assess my mood. I recognize the wax and wane. I do try to go on medication when I feel I need it, though I do struggle with remembering to take it and subsequently stay un-medicated. I have had excellent cognitive and behavioral therapy. I do try not to bite off more than I can chew, even though sometimes I do take on too much--I realize it and adjust accordingly.
This first semester in school is a victory for me. I proved to myself that I can do it. Because of my disorder, and years of being out of control--I was certain I would once again crash and burn. It doesn't have to be that way!!
As for my son--he is very in tune with his moods as well. Even more than I am. It gives me hope that there is a normal life possible for us.
My mom has always talked about writing a book from her perspective. Sadly, I doubt it will ever happen. That said, I have also thought that I should put it all down and share it with the world in hopes that one other person or family could feel a little less alone. But, really...who knows if I will ever do that.
Gotta take it day by day. And when the going gets tough: hour by hour, or minute by minute. Whatever it takes to make it through the rough times. Because there are always going to be rough times. That's life.
I think that's life for everyone.
Thank God there are good moments and beauty in the world too, for balance.
Balance is good.
Namaste.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
what the hell?!
My mom called me earlier tonight to inform me that my Grandmother may have had a stroke, but was too stubborn to let the EMTs take her to the hospital. The nursing home staff and my two aunts plead with her but she refused. I pray that she doesn't have another...
My mom knew this a few days ago, and somehow forgot to tell me. She hasn't been mentally herself since this past year...I am certain we will never get Mom back to baseline. Every time she gets sick, we lose a little piece of her. This time, it is obvious. :(
I have said it before, and I will say it again. After the information overload today, January can be completely canceled. Again.
January, February...we could just skip 'em.
If I hear one more potentially bad thing about someone else in my life, I will scream.
2011, I had such high hopes for you, and you are letting me down...
My mom knew this a few days ago, and somehow forgot to tell me. She hasn't been mentally herself since this past year...I am certain we will never get Mom back to baseline. Every time she gets sick, we lose a little piece of her. This time, it is obvious. :(
I have said it before, and I will say it again. After the information overload today, January can be completely canceled. Again.
January, February...we could just skip 'em.
If I hear one more potentially bad thing about someone else in my life, I will scream.
2011, I had such high hopes for you, and you are letting me down...
Happy New Year? Day Two.
I am finding this day feels a little odd.
My mom called me last night to tell me my cousin is in Rochester, at Mayo--has something wrong with her but I am not sure exactly what, but will be there for two months. Sounds serious to me...hopefully I will learn more about her and her condition soon...
Heard from a classmate that a guy we went to school with passed away. His death notice was in this morning's EC Leader-Telegram. Wanting to find more info, I did a Google search to see if I could come up with the MHS Class of '90 website, and instead I came across the publication of the Eau Claire County Sheriff Department Warrant list. This person's name was on it, which to me feels very sad. I hope that this person passed away of natural causes, and not of his own hand. Even if he was guilty of the crimes he was wanted for--suicide is no way to solve anything. :( I hope for his mother's sake, it wasn't a suicide.
Then, I noticed when looking in the death notices that a lady I helped out at the assisted living facility I used to work at has passed away. This is the fourth one to go since I left this summer. This too, makes me sad. I haven't been back to visit, and feel a little guilty about that. Just goes to show you that life goes on.
AND THEN...on Facebook, I saw a posting about the Walmart Greeter Guy, and that he, too has passed away!! Holy cow. This was a man who was always at the door at Walmart greeting everyone. He always seemed like he may be a little slow, but the truth is he had a college education and was highly intelligent. It makes me wonder why he took a job as a Walmart greeter...just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by it's cover.
Life is short. And unpredictable. And just downright weird sometimes.
It's January.
I am struggling with my moods.
This is normal for me in January.
It is normal for me because I have Bipolar Disorder.
It is normal for me because I absolutely HATE/DESPISE/LOATHE winter.
There isn't a word strong enough to describe how much I hate cold and snow.
I can't seem to warm up lately at all. I am cold all of the time.
I worry that there may be something else wrong with me because I can't warm up, I am tired quite a bit, and I have had several bouts of vertigo. Nevermind the double vision thing, which I have gotten used to for the most part.
I worry that maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a hypochondriac. Or I am slowly going insane.
I need to get the HELL out of the COLD. That's what's wrong with me...
Happy New Year, day two...
My mom called me last night to tell me my cousin is in Rochester, at Mayo--has something wrong with her but I am not sure exactly what, but will be there for two months. Sounds serious to me...hopefully I will learn more about her and her condition soon...
Heard from a classmate that a guy we went to school with passed away. His death notice was in this morning's EC Leader-Telegram. Wanting to find more info, I did a Google search to see if I could come up with the MHS Class of '90 website, and instead I came across the publication of the Eau Claire County Sheriff Department Warrant list. This person's name was on it, which to me feels very sad. I hope that this person passed away of natural causes, and not of his own hand. Even if he was guilty of the crimes he was wanted for--suicide is no way to solve anything. :( I hope for his mother's sake, it wasn't a suicide.
Then, I noticed when looking in the death notices that a lady I helped out at the assisted living facility I used to work at has passed away. This is the fourth one to go since I left this summer. This too, makes me sad. I haven't been back to visit, and feel a little guilty about that. Just goes to show you that life goes on.
AND THEN...on Facebook, I saw a posting about the Walmart Greeter Guy, and that he, too has passed away!! Holy cow. This was a man who was always at the door at Walmart greeting everyone. He always seemed like he may be a little slow, but the truth is he had a college education and was highly intelligent. It makes me wonder why he took a job as a Walmart greeter...just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by it's cover.
Life is short. And unpredictable. And just downright weird sometimes.
It's January.
I am struggling with my moods.
This is normal for me in January.
It is normal for me because I have Bipolar Disorder.
It is normal for me because I absolutely HATE/DESPISE/LOATHE winter.
There isn't a word strong enough to describe how much I hate cold and snow.
I can't seem to warm up lately at all. I am cold all of the time.
I worry that there may be something else wrong with me because I can't warm up, I am tired quite a bit, and I have had several bouts of vertigo. Nevermind the double vision thing, which I have gotten used to for the most part.
I worry that maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a hypochondriac. Or I am slowly going insane.
I need to get the HELL out of the COLD. That's what's wrong with me...
Happy New Year, day two...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011...
...and I have to say...good riddance to 2010--and take 2009 and 2008 with you too!
So, what about you 2011?
I have great plans for you...
This is the year I turn 40. I thought I would be in a different place in my life by the time I turned 40, but as it turns out--I am exactly where I need to be, for the most part. That said, I do have some things I want to work out in 2011:
Get healthy: I am not happy with my weight, but have to make a lifestyle change...this will be the year I find my willpower to start taking care of me. This body is a gift, and it's the only one I get...so I need to take better care of it.
Get financially fit: Spend better, save something. I suck at money. I need to learn a better way to handle it.
Continue to do well in school--in fact, I would like to accomplish a semester of all A's. This is not an impossible task, I just have to set my mind to it.
Start writing again. (This is a good start!)
Be kinder to myself.
Be more patient with others.
Be the change. I have a ring that I wear that says "be the change you wish to see in the world". This year, I intend to live by this motto more.
Enjoy life. I tend to let things get to me more than they should. I tend to let the Bipolar Disorder run things. Well, I am going to take back control. Starting school in 2010 was just the beginning!
These are really more goals to live better, rather than resolutions. Goals are more fluid, and I intend to change them as I go...
Happy, safe, and peaceful New Years to all!
So, what about you 2011?
I have great plans for you...
This is the year I turn 40. I thought I would be in a different place in my life by the time I turned 40, but as it turns out--I am exactly where I need to be, for the most part. That said, I do have some things I want to work out in 2011:
Get financially fit: Spend better, save something. I suck at money. I need to learn a better way to handle it.
Continue to do well in school--in fact, I would like to accomplish a semester of all A's. This is not an impossible task, I just have to set my mind to it.
Start writing again. (This is a good start!)
Be kinder to myself.
Be more patient with others.
Be the change. I have a ring that I wear that says "be the change you wish to see in the world". This year, I intend to live by this motto more.
Enjoy life. I tend to let things get to me more than they should. I tend to let the Bipolar Disorder run things. Well, I am going to take back control. Starting school in 2010 was just the beginning!
These are really more goals to live better, rather than resolutions. Goals are more fluid, and I intend to change them as I go...
Happy, safe, and peaceful New Years to all!
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