On Information Overload: A Piece of Therapeutic Writing...

Having Bipolar Disorder means that I often have to check myself.

I have to take how I feel (I often over-feel stuff, if that makes sense) and I have to do a mental weighing process as to why I feel that way, and I have to consciously decide if it is appropriate to feel the way I do about something, or if I feel the way I do about something because of the disorder.

This extra mental processing makes me question the legitimacy of how I feel about things. I acknowledge that I do feel things sometimes that are not legitimate. I also feel many things that are very legitimate, but I may overreact. Sometimes the legitimacy and reaction are completely appropriate. The gut check is vital, though. I want to keep getting better and doing better in my life.

In my past, I have reacted without this internal check, and I have burned bridges that I should not have based on a skewed perception of whatever the issue was.

The mere fact that I understand this process and that I actively participate in it is a BIG DEAL. The shrinks call it insight into my disorder. I call it a survival technique. Bipolar Disorder can kill you, and I am not even joking when I say that.

Anyway, let me continue...

This skewed perception, the weird world view from my perspective, is sometimes the hardest part of the disorder.

It is the skewed view that lead me to deciding to start taking the Xanax when I overdosed in June 2005. Now, it was the lowered inhibition of the medication that was the foot on the gas pedal that kept me taking the pills--two at a time--'til I ran out of pairs of pills, but the skewed view was driving the bus.

My skewed view at that time was that I was powerless to change myself (I was struggling hard with the swings of the moods) and I felt powerless to handle my mother's illness at that time as well (she was well on her way beyond hypermania to psychosis, and her shrink wouldn't listen that she needed to be in the hospital).

I had a huge meltdown, thanks to the skewed view. Not the first meltdown, but definitely the worst. I nearly ended it all!!

Thank God it wasn't my time, and I truly believe I had a Guardian Angel looking out for me that day. That's another story entirely that I may share sometime...

(I really like to go off on tangents. Pulling it back to get to my point.)

Issue #1

I am having very strong feelings at the way people are discussing Charlie Sheen and his very public meltdown.

I am angry, appalled, saddened, frustrated, sick, astonished, and about a hundred other verbs. If you have never experienced a breakdown, or if you have never watched a family member slip into the blackness of a psychosis, you cannot possibly know what it is like for Charlie Sheen and his family.

You cannot know what it is like for the ordinary person to experience these things.

And to poke fun, and joke? How absolutely fucked up are people? Never mind, I don't need an answer to that because I all ready know.

Mental illness is not funny.

Sometimes the things people DO when they are sick may seem funny, and sometimes it IS funny when your loved one is doing weird things when they are sick and laughing is better than crying or screaming (I have TONS of stories!)

...but the disorder itself is NO LAUGHING MATTER!!

I am sick and tired of people using the psychiatric diagnostic terms when discussing ordinary things. It is ignorant, and no better than calling someone a racial slur, or calling someone out for their sexual orientation.

No, your cat is not schizophrenic because it does weird things.

Now, if your cat has auditory or visual hallucinations, perhaps you need an animal psychiatrist.

My point is that it is highly stigmatizing for those who truly struggle with the diagnoses when people just toss the terms about without truly knowing what they are talking about.

For the record, most psychiatric disorders are first organic brain disorders or are triggered by chemical alterations in the brain due to medications, self-medication, or injury. Many are hereditary. Some onset due to trauma. All are medical diagnoses first, with mental manifestations.

Should you taunt or joke about someone who has seizures? Should you laugh at the person undergoing chemotherapy for cancer? OF COURSE NOT!!

Nor should you joke about or judge a person with mental illness.

Everyone hits bottom in different ways. My bottom was nearly ending my life.

I love life, and this rocked everyone in my world. It was SO out of character and the last thing anyone expected. I didn't even expect it. I found my bottom. I am one of the fortunate ones.

Who knows what Charlie Sheen's bottom will be, before he has the ability to accept help? I hope for his sake, as well as for his children and family, that they somehow get him the help he needs and he finally gets to a place where he has the mental capacity to understand and accept the help.

Like diabetes, cancer, and car accidents--mental illnesses kill people.

What is so funny about that??

I do not think I am out of line in my feelings on this issue. I have been treated differently by those who are ignorant because I was not afraid to talk about my family and our experience with mental illness.

I have also been embraced by those who were too afraid to speak, until they saw how open I am about it all. I have helped others going through the same experiences. Isn't that what life is about?? Helping others through??

No I will not shut up about it.
(Yes, I have had people ask me if I would.)

I am going to jump up and down, shouting it from the roof tops, continuing to be a vocal advocate for those like me, those who are like my family. I am also going to continue to do well in my life so I can be a positive example--a survival story.

Issue #2

The budget issue in Wisconsin--

Yes, we are all passionate about it. We all believe we are right and the other side is wrong.

But, we are all involved and will all be affected.

To degrade the debate into baseless name calling is unproductive and ignorant.

I have had some great discussions with those who do not believe as I do, and I have learned some things. I will not judge or hate just because you believe that the other "side" is right or the best way to proceed. My friends are still my friends and things will end up however they end up. It is much bigger than we are anyway.

I am directly impacted by the health care issues in this budget. I am directly impacted by the educational cuts in this budget. I have decided not to worry about it yet. Things have not played themselves out.

If you are my friend on Facebook--and we have had a discussion on this issue--note that you are still on my friends' list.


Issue #3

I am saddened by the disaster playing out in Japan and the Pacific rim. God bless all of those who are affected by this tragedy. The pictures are very hard to take. :(

Issue #4

My mortality is bothering me today. To learn we have lost two classmates in a years' time, and eight that we know of...well, it is really grinding on me.

I am fortunate to be here today.
I almost wasn't.
That bothers me, what I almost put my family through. What I DID put my family through. Fortunately, I am loved and they have all forgiven me.


All of my issues do tie in together. On the surface, maybe not. But if you peel away the layers, it is obvious.

Today, my feelings are valid and my responses are appropriate.



My conclusions today:

Life is precious.
We all do not know when our time on Earth is up.
Love and respect each other.
Ask questions.
Therapy is good.
Live well.
Don't sweat the small stuff.
Somehow, the big things always work themselves out.
Ask for help if you need it.
Be yourself.
Be forgiving.
Be interested.
Just be.
Live like there's no tomorrow.
Worry should never consume you.
Dream.
Really keep in touch.
Pray.

Peace.