Distance and Perception

I was thinking about distance today, on my drive to Black River Falls.

I have to admit, I often isolate and distance myself from others. It is a coping mechanism when my moods are "off". I sometimes can't deal with myself, let alone anyone else in the outside world.

It is rarely about other people. Occasionally, it is. Mostly it is about me trying to get a grip on myself to be able to function like a normal person.

Perception can be a funny thing. I know my perception of things in the past has been flawed and skewed by the moods. It is a realization I came upon a few years ago, when I was in therapy. I actually have to take a step back from things sometimes, and sort of take the temperature of the situation and my gut perception of it. I have been way off base before. I mean WAY off.

I have worked over 30 jobs in my 39 years on this Earth. Mostly left each one because I felt slighted, or perceived I had done something wrong.

I also was not functioning well a majority of the time. Oh sure, on the surface I could do my job. I am a very bright person.

But the roller coaster of the moods and the panic when it sneaks up on me--well, life isn't very fun when things are chaotic in my head.

How am I today? Right this very minute...pretty darned good, thanks for asking! But the moods wax and wane, and tomorrow I may be having an issue with the ups or the downs. Can never tell which way these things will go.

I am trying to continue on a therapeutic path. I am finally doing some things for myself (and in turn my family) by going back to school. This is one of those things that I have seriously self-destructed on in the past. I mean, I really blew it up. I don't want to do that this time. It is very important to me.

I have to prove to myself that I am capable of following through.

So far, I think I have.

I have been goal setting:

My overall big prize--the Master's Degree--my ticket out of this frozen wasteland.

My smaller carrots--each successful semester--one down, thirteen to go. It actually doesn't sound that bad to me when broken down like that.

Then I have each semester, broken down into weeks. Sixteen even smaller goals. Check 'em off the calendar as I get through the work.

My perception is working right now. It was a good weekend.