Well it has been awhile since I have written anything last. Thanks to a rigorous college schedule, I have been reading textbooks and writing essays and such. Not a lot of time for therapeutic scribe.
In my English Comp class, we are writing narrative essays. We are to draw from a personal experience of some sort to write about. While I have oodles of experiences I could write about, none are speaking to me for a five page paper. It seems like a lot of pages. I am not that interesting.
So, I am blogging this morning before I head to campus to see if it will spark anything.
I have been thinking about my friend Todd lately.
Todd was a man I met while I was a Home Care CNA. Todd was my client. He was just months younger than my Dad, and was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).
Before I went in to start working with Todd, the agency had a little "training" about ALS. It didn't prepare me at all for working with him.
The very first day I went to Todd and Judy's, I walked in through the living room (as I was instructed to do) and when I rounded the corner into the kitchen, I found Todd sitting in his power wheel chair at the dining room table.
I walked up to him, introduced myself and shook his hand. He looked at me and didn't say anything. He just sort of nodded his head at me.
On that first day, I was to make sure Todd got his medications, make sure he ate, and just get acquainted with him and the house.
He didn't say a word to me that first day. I was there two hours and he didn't say a WORD.
Now, they had told me that he had speech issues due to the ALS, but I expected some communication. Nothing from him.
So, as I worked I kept up my cheery chatter. I was starting to irritate myself at the end of the appointment. But, if Todd was irritated, he didn't say anything.
When I left that day, I was trying to figure out a way to communicate with this person. I wanted to know likes, dislikes and so on so I could better help him.
The next day, I came in and did my duties. I chattered less, simply because I figured it was annoying. I was getting on my own nerves, I couldn't imagine what this man was thinking about me.
Day two? Still not a word out of Todd.
Day three went by much the same way. I was beginning to think that maybe it was too exhausting for him to talk, or that his ability was gone. I felt like I was settling into a routine there, and was getting more comfortable. He responded to verbal cues and didn't seem irritated or frustrated with me.
On day four, I walked in and greeted Todd. I started to get busy working on his breakfast and the other duties I had to do.
When I served Todd his breakfast and sat down to make sure his meds were set up, he looked at me, half-smiled and said "you're okay". His speech was a little mushy from the ALS, but it was clear enough.
This man was testing me. From day one.
I heard later from my RN Supervisor that this man ate and spit out several other CNA's. He was a tough one to please.
It was later that I found out they sent me in as a last ditch effort with Todd. He had been so surly and difficult that the agency had discussed referring him elsewhere for care. The RN Supervisor thought he was someone that I could handle, and she thought he might like me.
As it turned out, Todd and I became much more than an aide and a client. We became very good friends.
I learned more in the year or so I worked with him than I ever did in any other setting.
I am not sure if it's the ALS, or if it's just the human spirit in some people...but with Todd and every other client with ALS that I worked with later...there was a spirit, a spark--these people were not going to let the disease win. Or at least they were going to live life for as long as they were able.
Todd used to say that he had a terminal illness, but he was a procrastinator, so he was putting it off. He did, too. He lived for nearly nine years with a disease that claims many of it's victims in two years.
I am not sure why I have been thinking about him so much lately. In his darkest hours, he was an inspiration to me. Maybe I am trying to be inspired by him again.
Maybe I just miss my friend.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Distance and Perception
I was thinking about distance today, on my drive to Black River Falls.
I have to admit, I often isolate and distance myself from others. It is a coping mechanism when my moods are "off". I sometimes can't deal with myself, let alone anyone else in the outside world.
It is rarely about other people. Occasionally, it is. Mostly it is about me trying to get a grip on myself to be able to function like a normal person.
Perception can be a funny thing. I know my perception of things in the past has been flawed and skewed by the moods. It is a realization I came upon a few years ago, when I was in therapy. I actually have to take a step back from things sometimes, and sort of take the temperature of the situation and my gut perception of it. I have been way off base before. I mean WAY off.
I have worked over 30 jobs in my 39 years on this Earth. Mostly left each one because I felt slighted, or perceived I had done something wrong.
I also was not functioning well a majority of the time. Oh sure, on the surface I could do my job. I am a very bright person.
But the roller coaster of the moods and the panic when it sneaks up on me--well, life isn't very fun when things are chaotic in my head.
How am I today? Right this very minute...pretty darned good, thanks for asking! But the moods wax and wane, and tomorrow I may be having an issue with the ups or the downs. Can never tell which way these things will go.
I am trying to continue on a therapeutic path. I am finally doing some things for myself (and in turn my family) by going back to school. This is one of those things that I have seriously self-destructed on in the past. I mean, I really blew it up. I don't want to do that this time. It is very important to me.
I have to prove to myself that I am capable of following through.
So far, I think I have.
I have been goal setting:
My overall big prize--the Master's Degree--my ticket out of this frozen wasteland.
My smaller carrots--each successful semester--one down, thirteen to go. It actually doesn't sound that bad to me when broken down like that.
Then I have each semester, broken down into weeks. Sixteen even smaller goals. Check 'em off the calendar as I get through the work.
My perception is working right now. It was a good weekend.
I have to admit, I often isolate and distance myself from others. It is a coping mechanism when my moods are "off". I sometimes can't deal with myself, let alone anyone else in the outside world.
It is rarely about other people. Occasionally, it is. Mostly it is about me trying to get a grip on myself to be able to function like a normal person.
Perception can be a funny thing. I know my perception of things in the past has been flawed and skewed by the moods. It is a realization I came upon a few years ago, when I was in therapy. I actually have to take a step back from things sometimes, and sort of take the temperature of the situation and my gut perception of it. I have been way off base before. I mean WAY off.
I have worked over 30 jobs in my 39 years on this Earth. Mostly left each one because I felt slighted, or perceived I had done something wrong.
I also was not functioning well a majority of the time. Oh sure, on the surface I could do my job. I am a very bright person.
But the roller coaster of the moods and the panic when it sneaks up on me--well, life isn't very fun when things are chaotic in my head.
How am I today? Right this very minute...pretty darned good, thanks for asking! But the moods wax and wane, and tomorrow I may be having an issue with the ups or the downs. Can never tell which way these things will go.
I am trying to continue on a therapeutic path. I am finally doing some things for myself (and in turn my family) by going back to school. This is one of those things that I have seriously self-destructed on in the past. I mean, I really blew it up. I don't want to do that this time. It is very important to me.
I have to prove to myself that I am capable of following through.
So far, I think I have.
I have been goal setting:
My overall big prize--the Master's Degree--my ticket out of this frozen wasteland.
My smaller carrots--each successful semester--one down, thirteen to go. It actually doesn't sound that bad to me when broken down like that.
Then I have each semester, broken down into weeks. Sixteen even smaller goals. Check 'em off the calendar as I get through the work.
My perception is working right now. It was a good weekend.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Lucky fishies and contemplations about the past...
Kaity went to Port Edwards today to visit overnight at her friends' house.
Bill and I drove her to Black River Falls and just dropped her off!
Seriously, her friends and their dad met us there to make the exchange. We give them our kid, and we get four hours of playtime at Majestic Pines. Sounded like a fair deal to me. After all, I can't go to Black River and NOT go to the casino, right?
Anyhow, it was nice to have a few hours just with the hubby. We don't get that much alone time just to be together. It certainly doesn't hurt that we were winning!
We were playing this super cute video slot machine--they are new ones where you have all these little fish, and these random fish bonuses come up all of the time. :D We had a good time taking someone else's money out of the casino and not leaving ours there!
On our way home, we were talking. We were talking about before we had our kids, and the friends we used to have. I say "used to" because we had one couple we were pretty close with. We did tons of stuff with them, but sometime after Mike was born they started to distance themselves from us. I know it was a conscious effort on their part that they distanced. Not exactly sure why though. I have always tried to figure it out.
Today, I think I did.
There was this one time--we went to the cities and spent the night in a hotel with them. We were heading to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival the next day. The trip had almost been called off for us because for the week or so before, I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection. But because it was going to be a fun weekend, and I was feeling better--we went.
The morning of the Renaissance, I still had a bit of a cough. So, I took my prescription cough syrup and didn't think twice about it.
It was wine tasting weekend at the Renaissance.
Needless to say, the wine and the cough syrup didn't mix and I was really sleepy and nearly passing out for a bit. It was not an intentional mix...
When we got back to the hotel later, the guy and I went to go to get snacks, while the gal and my hubby stayed back. On the car ride over to the store, the guy starts giving me this talk about how he "used to do that (mix alcohol and codeine) and how I was being stupid for doing it". I was confused at the conversation, because it was like a lecture--and it wasn't as if I did it on purpose. Maybe that wasn't evident to this person.
It was around this time that I was also struggling with the bipolar disorder, and had not even come close to being diagnosed yet. I don't think I had even been to a therapist yet, and if I had I hadn't liked the fact that he wanted me to see a shrink--I was not ready to face it.
Now, we used to drink and party. And I could drink with the boys and keep up. But I never EVER mixed prescription medication with alcohol intentionally to get drunk and high.
I think I have figured out the root to why these people, who were once very dear friends, distanced themselves from us.
I think they thought I was doing drugs.
I was erratic at times, yes. But it was the bipolar disorder that was the root of it all.
I just wonder what the truth to this situation is.
It is kind of sad, really. They stood up at our wedding as our witnesses, they were our very best friends. We put it off for awhile that our lives were becoming different when our son was born--theirs was getting older and in middle school by then. We didn't have all of the disposable income to travel and do stuff like we were able to before, they did.
And because we were starting our family, money was an issue. Maybe even more of an issue because I was struggling with the bipolar disorder. One always plays off the other with me. Handling money is my achilles' heel.
We have reached out to them over the years since. A couple of times sent Christmas cards, invited them to parties we had. Not a word back those times.
I wonder if maybe I said or did something unintentionally to upset or hurt them directly? I mean besides my erratic behavior and mixing of booze and cough syrup. I mean, if I did...I am sorry. I would have never intentionally did anything to piss off or upset these people. They were very good friends.
Does it even matter anymore?
Through Facebook, I have had little "chats" with the guy again, and the gal is on my friends' list too. Which I guess is good, forward progress.
It would be nice if we could all get together like we used to. But, maybe that is just the way life is and people go their separate ways for whatever reason. Maybe I over think everything and just shouldn't care.
Oh, I know I over think everything...
I may never know the whole truth.
Maybe I don't want to...
Bill and I drove her to Black River Falls and just dropped her off!
Seriously, her friends and their dad met us there to make the exchange. We give them our kid, and we get four hours of playtime at Majestic Pines. Sounded like a fair deal to me. After all, I can't go to Black River and NOT go to the casino, right?
Anyhow, it was nice to have a few hours just with the hubby. We don't get that much alone time just to be together. It certainly doesn't hurt that we were winning!
We were playing this super cute video slot machine--they are new ones where you have all these little fish, and these random fish bonuses come up all of the time. :D We had a good time taking someone else's money out of the casino and not leaving ours there!
On our way home, we were talking. We were talking about before we had our kids, and the friends we used to have. I say "used to" because we had one couple we were pretty close with. We did tons of stuff with them, but sometime after Mike was born they started to distance themselves from us. I know it was a conscious effort on their part that they distanced. Not exactly sure why though. I have always tried to figure it out.
Today, I think I did.
There was this one time--we went to the cities and spent the night in a hotel with them. We were heading to the Minnesota Renaissance Festival the next day. The trip had almost been called off for us because for the week or so before, I had been sick with an upper respiratory infection. But because it was going to be a fun weekend, and I was feeling better--we went.
The morning of the Renaissance, I still had a bit of a cough. So, I took my prescription cough syrup and didn't think twice about it.
It was wine tasting weekend at the Renaissance.
Needless to say, the wine and the cough syrup didn't mix and I was really sleepy and nearly passing out for a bit. It was not an intentional mix...
When we got back to the hotel later, the guy and I went to go to get snacks, while the gal and my hubby stayed back. On the car ride over to the store, the guy starts giving me this talk about how he "used to do that (mix alcohol and codeine) and how I was being stupid for doing it". I was confused at the conversation, because it was like a lecture--and it wasn't as if I did it on purpose. Maybe that wasn't evident to this person.
It was around this time that I was also struggling with the bipolar disorder, and had not even come close to being diagnosed yet. I don't think I had even been to a therapist yet, and if I had I hadn't liked the fact that he wanted me to see a shrink--I was not ready to face it.
Now, we used to drink and party. And I could drink with the boys and keep up. But I never EVER mixed prescription medication with alcohol intentionally to get drunk and high.
I think I have figured out the root to why these people, who were once very dear friends, distanced themselves from us.
I think they thought I was doing drugs.
I was erratic at times, yes. But it was the bipolar disorder that was the root of it all.
I just wonder what the truth to this situation is.
It is kind of sad, really. They stood up at our wedding as our witnesses, they were our very best friends. We put it off for awhile that our lives were becoming different when our son was born--theirs was getting older and in middle school by then. We didn't have all of the disposable income to travel and do stuff like we were able to before, they did.
And because we were starting our family, money was an issue. Maybe even more of an issue because I was struggling with the bipolar disorder. One always plays off the other with me. Handling money is my achilles' heel.
We have reached out to them over the years since. A couple of times sent Christmas cards, invited them to parties we had. Not a word back those times.
I wonder if maybe I said or did something unintentionally to upset or hurt them directly? I mean besides my erratic behavior and mixing of booze and cough syrup. I mean, if I did...I am sorry. I would have never intentionally did anything to piss off or upset these people. They were very good friends.
Does it even matter anymore?
Through Facebook, I have had little "chats" with the guy again, and the gal is on my friends' list too. Which I guess is good, forward progress.
It would be nice if we could all get together like we used to. But, maybe that is just the way life is and people go their separate ways for whatever reason. Maybe I over think everything and just shouldn't care.
Oh, I know I over think everything...
I may never know the whole truth.
Maybe I don't want to...
Friday, January 21, 2011
Okay, so where's my prescription for a plane ticket outta here?!
I did get the results of my MRI.
I found out on Wednesday that I have to start making some serious lifestyle changes or I will likely be very crippled up by the time I am sixty.
I have Osteoarthritis (OA) in my cervical spine (neck), and likely everywhere else that I have had pain (ie: knees, hands, wrists, feet, back, even migraines and headaches etc).
While I am thankful it isn't Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and that I have an answer to many questions, I am not very happy that I have an "old person's disease" and I am not even 40 (yet!).
So, I am shopping for an elliptical or a treadmill. I am also researching diets for a lifestyle change that way. Not just for weight loss, but to feel better all of the way around.
Seems the extreme deficiency in vitamin D can cause you to feel the pain more acutely.
And the thyroid thing? Well, it is just enlarged. No explanation. The TSH was 1.67 (normal range is 0.35 to 4.50), the T3- free was 3.3 (normal is 2.1 to 4.1). The T4- free was 1.1 which is on the high side of normal (normal is 0.7 to 1.2). No nodules, no cysts, no tumors. The good news is, it isn't anything. The bad news is...it isn't anything. So we watch and wait.
So, I hurt when it's fricken cold outside.
I get to take Meloxicam for the rest of my life, or until I hurt worse. Whichever comes first.
I can no longer take my usual medication for migraine, so they are trying something else. I want to have a positive attitude about this, but my usual medications have worked pretty well for a long time. I am worried that whatever it is they give me may not.
Okay, enough with the pity party. Off to price out exercise equipment and figure out the diet thing. I said 2011 was going to be a year of change. I guess this is God's way of making me stick to my word.
I found out on Wednesday that I have to start making some serious lifestyle changes or I will likely be very crippled up by the time I am sixty.
I have Osteoarthritis (OA) in my cervical spine (neck), and likely everywhere else that I have had pain (ie: knees, hands, wrists, feet, back, even migraines and headaches etc).
While I am thankful it isn't Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and that I have an answer to many questions, I am not very happy that I have an "old person's disease" and I am not even 40 (yet!).
So, I am shopping for an elliptical or a treadmill. I am also researching diets for a lifestyle change that way. Not just for weight loss, but to feel better all of the way around.
Seems the extreme deficiency in vitamin D can cause you to feel the pain more acutely.
And the thyroid thing? Well, it is just enlarged. No explanation. The TSH was 1.67 (normal range is 0.35 to 4.50), the T3- free was 3.3 (normal is 2.1 to 4.1). The T4- free was 1.1 which is on the high side of normal (normal is 0.7 to 1.2). No nodules, no cysts, no tumors. The good news is, it isn't anything. The bad news is...it isn't anything. So we watch and wait.
So, I hurt when it's fricken cold outside.
I get to take Meloxicam for the rest of my life, or until I hurt worse. Whichever comes first.
I can no longer take my usual medication for migraine, so they are trying something else. I want to have a positive attitude about this, but my usual medications have worked pretty well for a long time. I am worried that whatever it is they give me may not.
Okay, enough with the pity party. Off to price out exercise equipment and figure out the diet thing. I said 2011 was going to be a year of change. I guess this is God's way of making me stick to my word.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Not the way to start the day...
I woke up over an hour late.
Ten minutes later, I started getting the 'aura' of a migraine in my eyes. For anyone who has never experienced this--I don't recommend it. The 'aura' is like looking through milky stained glass in my left eye and if I am not careful, it will continue into a crushing headache.
Well, I am happy to report that the headache hasn't hit, but I still am having vision difficulties in my left eye. So much so that my kids are getting a free day off from school because at this point, I cannot drive. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not.
I am not sure why I overslept. The alarm was set (I thought).
I am super edgy today because I have to go in for the ultrasound on my thyroid and the MRI on my neck and shoulder. I am claustrophobic, so I will have to take some Xanax before the MRI. I just hope this gets to the bottom of what is going on...I am sick of feeling tired, cold, and just plain crappy.
Well, with an enlarged thyroid (can't miss it, not sure how I did!) there is definitely something going on.
Here's to good news coming my way...
Ten minutes later, I started getting the 'aura' of a migraine in my eyes. For anyone who has never experienced this--I don't recommend it. The 'aura' is like looking through milky stained glass in my left eye and if I am not careful, it will continue into a crushing headache.
Well, I am happy to report that the headache hasn't hit, but I still am having vision difficulties in my left eye. So much so that my kids are getting a free day off from school because at this point, I cannot drive. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope not.
I am not sure why I overslept. The alarm was set (I thought).
I am super edgy today because I have to go in for the ultrasound on my thyroid and the MRI on my neck and shoulder. I am claustrophobic, so I will have to take some Xanax before the MRI. I just hope this gets to the bottom of what is going on...I am sick of feeling tired, cold, and just plain crappy.
Well, with an enlarged thyroid (can't miss it, not sure how I did!) there is definitely something going on.
Here's to good news coming my way...
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Psychology of Facebook Relations
Facebook is truly a microcosm of life.
Through my connections, this weekend I have seen life, death, birthdays, celebrations, the good...the bad, and the ugly...
(I consider the Packers win one of "the ugly". LOL)
Facebook has made the world just a little smaller. Sometimes that is very good, because when you are looking for someone to bounce things off of, or that have things in common...it has made it much easier to do that.
Sometimes it isn't so good when you get bombarded with invites from all of the different applications--but that is just a part of life on FB. I say, deal with it.
I have reconnected with old friends and gotten better acquainted with people who were just acquaintances before. Of course, there is that occasional person that I don't really want to know more about...but overall, I find the status updates, the photos, the connections very interesting.
I wonder how long til there is a college course studying the psychology of Facebook relations??
Happy Monday! :D
Through my connections, this weekend I have seen life, death, birthdays, celebrations, the good...the bad, and the ugly...
(I consider the Packers win one of "the ugly". LOL)
Facebook has made the world just a little smaller. Sometimes that is very good, because when you are looking for someone to bounce things off of, or that have things in common...it has made it much easier to do that.
Sometimes it isn't so good when you get bombarded with invites from all of the different applications--but that is just a part of life on FB. I say, deal with it.
I have reconnected with old friends and gotten better acquainted with people who were just acquaintances before. Of course, there is that occasional person that I don't really want to know more about...but overall, I find the status updates, the photos, the connections very interesting.
I wonder how long til there is a college course studying the psychology of Facebook relations??
Happy Monday! :D
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Here comes the sun...and I say: it's all right! :)
The sun was a welcome sight today. I needed it. If it were warmer, I would go and sit in it.
Something new I am adding to my goals for the year is to sit in the sun more. Obviously I need to with a low vitamin D level--maybe I can go off the pills in the summer time and if not, D is a hard vitamin to OD on...so I will just get some extra!
My day started out rough. I was achy and hungry, but nothing sounded good. So I went to the grocery store, and then ate some yummy broasted chicken ($1 with $5 in deli purchases at Gordy's...quite the deal) and a really tasty deli salad (Turkey club). Felt pretty good for a few minutes, then the headache came on...grrrr.
Took the requisite 800mg ibuprofen, took Kait to her sleepover birthday party, and visited with her friend's mom (whom I just met today). The girl's mom and grandma were super nice and interesting to visit with. :) I am glad my daughter has such good friends!
By the time I got back, my headache was gone. :)
My son's friend, Rob is over now and I just met his mom for the first time today too. It is amazing how you can meet someone and just get along. :) We sat and chatted for awhile before she had to leave. We have a lot in common, which is cool. And her son is a super great kid :) I am glad my son has such good friends too!
It is neat to be able to meet nice people...I met three all in the same day!
Get some pizzas for the teenage boys...they are going to play Wii Madden NFL '11 til the sun comes up, probably. :) Tonight, I will just chill.
A good day. Gotta document those, too!
Something new I am adding to my goals for the year is to sit in the sun more. Obviously I need to with a low vitamin D level--maybe I can go off the pills in the summer time and if not, D is a hard vitamin to OD on...so I will just get some extra!
My day started out rough. I was achy and hungry, but nothing sounded good. So I went to the grocery store, and then ate some yummy broasted chicken ($1 with $5 in deli purchases at Gordy's...quite the deal) and a really tasty deli salad (Turkey club). Felt pretty good for a few minutes, then the headache came on...grrrr.
Took the requisite 800mg ibuprofen, took Kait to her sleepover birthday party, and visited with her friend's mom (whom I just met today). The girl's mom and grandma were super nice and interesting to visit with. :) I am glad my daughter has such good friends!
By the time I got back, my headache was gone. :)
My son's friend, Rob is over now and I just met his mom for the first time today too. It is amazing how you can meet someone and just get along. :) We sat and chatted for awhile before she had to leave. We have a lot in common, which is cool. And her son is a super great kid :) I am glad my son has such good friends too!
It is neat to be able to meet nice people...I met three all in the same day!
Get some pizzas for the teenage boys...they are going to play Wii Madden NFL '11 til the sun comes up, probably. :) Tonight, I will just chill.
A good day. Gotta document those, too!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Now what?
I truly do not want this blog to be a bitch session. But it is about me and what is going on in my life...and right now there is stuff going on...
I got a call from my MD's office this morning to tell me the results of my blood work.
First of all, not making me wait for these results is amazing. I totally love this doctor and her nurse...
My vitamin D is low. Extremely low, in fact. Not a great surprise because it has been low before and I forget to take the supplements. The good news is that I bought some more after I saw Dr. H and I am taking the right amount.
Cholesterol is excellent, blood sugar is excellent, no other deficiencies or red flags...it is all in normal ranges.
Including the thyroid tests...TSH, T3 and T4. (?!?!)
So what does this mean??
Could be nothing/something/anything...maybe.
I was told three (3!) times by the nurse to "make sure" I keep my appointments for the ultrasound and MRI next Wednesday. Like I was going to blow them off or something now that the blood work is so good.
So, naturally, I am concerned. Concerned means alternately calm and FREAKING OUT!!!
As I said before--I am not a patient patient. It is going to take forever for Wednesday to get here...
I got a call from my MD's office this morning to tell me the results of my blood work.
First of all, not making me wait for these results is amazing. I totally love this doctor and her nurse...
My vitamin D is low. Extremely low, in fact. Not a great surprise because it has been low before and I forget to take the supplements. The good news is that I bought some more after I saw Dr. H and I am taking the right amount.
Cholesterol is excellent, blood sugar is excellent, no other deficiencies or red flags...it is all in normal ranges.
Including the thyroid tests...TSH, T3 and T4. (?!?!)
So what does this mean??
Could be nothing/something/anything...maybe.
I was told three (3!) times by the nurse to "make sure" I keep my appointments for the ultrasound and MRI next Wednesday. Like I was going to blow them off or something now that the blood work is so good.
So, naturally, I am concerned. Concerned means alternately calm and FREAKING OUT!!!
As I said before--I am not a patient patient. It is going to take forever for Wednesday to get here...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
A Hell of a Lucky Girl!
I don't want my blog to be all negative. My life is far from all negative!
I do have concerns about my own health right now, and of course I always worry about my parents...but overall I know I am very lucky.
I was able to find my best friend, and marry him. We have two beautiful children. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we yell at the kids, we do the usual mundane things...make dinner, wash dishes...and so on...
I am fortunate because we do it all...together.
Not everyone has that someone to do it all together with. Even if they do, some people don't realize how very fortunate they are.
Do we do it all perfectly? Hell NO!! We make all sorts of mistakes along the way!
But, you know what?? I wouldn't change a thing...
I do have concerns about my own health right now, and of course I always worry about my parents...but overall I know I am very lucky.
I was able to find my best friend, and marry him. We have two beautiful children. We laugh, we cry, we fight, we yell at the kids, we do the usual mundane things...make dinner, wash dishes...and so on...
I am fortunate because we do it all...together.
Not everyone has that someone to do it all together with. Even if they do, some people don't realize how very fortunate they are.
But, you know what?? I wouldn't change a thing...
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
The waiting is the hardest part (it would be easier if Tom Petty was here signin' it!)
Did my blood work today. Only two teensy little vials. That was a relief. With all of the blood work ordered I pictured the Cullen family gathering around for a feast or something!!
Now I wait for the results of that, and wait for next Wednesday to get here to get the ultrasound of my thyroid and the MRI of my neck and shoulder done...tick...tick...tick...
I am an anxious person by nature. So, I don't wait well.
I need a distraction.
This isn't it.
*sigh*
Now I wait for the results of that, and wait for next Wednesday to get here to get the ultrasound of my thyroid and the MRI of my neck and shoulder done...tick...tick...tick...
I am an anxious person by nature. So, I don't wait well.
I need a distraction.
This isn't it.
*sigh*
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Hypochondria, or the lack of a better explanation...
I am going in to the doctor today to see why I am having the following symptoms:
I can't warm up. I have been cold for the past couple of weeks. I hate winter but I don't think this is a psychological issue. I have never had a problem with this before, even though I much prefer 95 degrees in the shade over winter.
I have been having chest pain. Primarily in the left side of my chest but sometimes it is my entire chest. It feels as if it is in the chest wall--I have been attributing it to a herniated thoracic disc that I have had problems with for years. My ribs sometimes hurt all the way around, though with this chest pain, not so much. At times it makes me think of the pain I experienced when I had gall bladder attacks, but that is impossible because that has been out for 13 years. Either way, I am getting that checked out more for Bill than me. I think it is nothing.
Sometimes the chest pain feels like it is in my shoulder. And in that left arm pit I have had a lump that comes and goes. I think it is a lymph node. Today, it is not noticeable, but sometimes it is quite sore.
I have had several bouts with vertigo just in the past few weeks. I experience it at least once or twice a month as it is, but it seems to have increased. I also have had double vision for years on and off--the MDs put it off to a muscle thing in my left eye, but it happens in both these days (no rhyme or reason to it).
I occasionally lose complete feeling in my left arm. I mean GONE. Bill didn't believe me once and pinched me as hard as he could and I felt NOTHING. (He did this with my blessing of course, he is not abusive!)
I have pain in my joints--more than a thirty-something should.
I have suffered from intermittent migraines forever. And if I don't have a migraine headache, it is likely I have some kind of headache at least for a little bit every single day.
I have had weird paralysis in my face and pain in my neck. It feels as though I can't move my jaw when it happens and of course it freaks me out some when it occurs. This hasn't happened a lot, but when it does it is bizarre.
I have a weird feeling sometimes, hard to explain...like I am disconnected. Hearing under water, like I may pass out. It also goes away so I haven't bothered to get it checked out.
My former MD kept testing me for MS due to many symptoms that couldn't be explained otherwise and he kept coming up empty. I kept passing the tests.
I have quit doctoring because like everyone else, I am thinking it is all in my head. I mean I am Bipolar after all, and I have a vivid imagination. And the minute that anyone sees that on your chart, they assume it's all in your head anyway.
So, I am certain after going through some testing (again) they will come up with absolutely nothing. I am going to discuss seeing a dietitian and finding a way to lose weight. I am certain that whatever this is (or isn't), it isn't helped by my weight.
I wish I could just skip it, feels like a big waste of time.
Okay, I am done with my bitch session...time for a quick nap.
I can't warm up. I have been cold for the past couple of weeks. I hate winter but I don't think this is a psychological issue. I have never had a problem with this before, even though I much prefer 95 degrees in the shade over winter.
I have been having chest pain. Primarily in the left side of my chest but sometimes it is my entire chest. It feels as if it is in the chest wall--I have been attributing it to a herniated thoracic disc that I have had problems with for years. My ribs sometimes hurt all the way around, though with this chest pain, not so much. At times it makes me think of the pain I experienced when I had gall bladder attacks, but that is impossible because that has been out for 13 years. Either way, I am getting that checked out more for Bill than me. I think it is nothing.
Sometimes the chest pain feels like it is in my shoulder. And in that left arm pit I have had a lump that comes and goes. I think it is a lymph node. Today, it is not noticeable, but sometimes it is quite sore.
I have had several bouts with vertigo just in the past few weeks. I experience it at least once or twice a month as it is, but it seems to have increased. I also have had double vision for years on and off--the MDs put it off to a muscle thing in my left eye, but it happens in both these days (no rhyme or reason to it).
I occasionally lose complete feeling in my left arm. I mean GONE. Bill didn't believe me once and pinched me as hard as he could and I felt NOTHING. (He did this with my blessing of course, he is not abusive!)
I have pain in my joints--more than a thirty-something should.
I have suffered from intermittent migraines forever. And if I don't have a migraine headache, it is likely I have some kind of headache at least for a little bit every single day.
I have had weird paralysis in my face and pain in my neck. It feels as though I can't move my jaw when it happens and of course it freaks me out some when it occurs. This hasn't happened a lot, but when it does it is bizarre.
I have a weird feeling sometimes, hard to explain...like I am disconnected. Hearing under water, like I may pass out. It also goes away so I haven't bothered to get it checked out.
My former MD kept testing me for MS due to many symptoms that couldn't be explained otherwise and he kept coming up empty. I kept passing the tests.
I have quit doctoring because like everyone else, I am thinking it is all in my head. I mean I am Bipolar after all, and I have a vivid imagination. And the minute that anyone sees that on your chart, they assume it's all in your head anyway.
So, I am certain after going through some testing (again) they will come up with absolutely nothing. I am going to discuss seeing a dietitian and finding a way to lose weight. I am certain that whatever this is (or isn't), it isn't helped by my weight.
I wish I could just skip it, feels like a big waste of time.
Okay, I am done with my bitch session...time for a quick nap.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Communication...yeah right.
I have to apologize to my dear sister for finding out about our Grandmother through a posting...
In the future, if I am uncertain if she knows something or not--I will be contacting her right away to be sure. I feel like a total heel.
We do lack good communication in our family...and it seems to only have gotten worse instead of better.
I was thinking about communication this morning too.
When I was a CNA/Telemetry Technician at Sacred Heart Hospital, there were two consecutive summers where my mother was in the hospital for her mental illness. Now, I have never been one to hide the fact that my mom has Bipolar Disorder, or the fact that she spent much of my life in the hospital. It is a fact of my life that is relatively normal to ME.
During my time at Sacred Heart, my son was also diagnosed with the disorder. I was in the process of being diagnosed (though deep down I KNEW...I just had great difficulty accepting it myself). I was very vocal, and had many others dealing with a variety of mental health issues come to me for advice (about their child, parent, or even themselves). I was told several times that they were grateful that someone else knew what they were experiencing, and they appreciated my candor on the issues.
Quite frankly, Eau Claire is a difficult place to maneuver the mental health system. I suspect it is the same in most places, but since we have been involved with it (me, my whole life) I knew a few tricks and knew the people and places to go to get help. At least, at the time I did--with health care changing the way mental illness is treated (minimally, sad to say), I no longer feel like I know the ropes. But, I digress.
There was one other CNA/Telemetry Technician I worked with that must not have appreciated my openness about what was going on because one day she looked me square in the eye and told me that I had better stop discussing it all together. Of course, I was taken aback, because no one had ever said this to me before. I had never been stigmatized until this very moment. It felt like a slap in the face and for a moment I didn't know what to say to this woman. I did finally stand up and tell her I didn't care what anyone thought. I really still don't.
My point is--the day we start sweeping it all under the rug is the day things start going backwards for families like mine, and for people like me. I know I am not the only one out there in this boat. In fact, a friend from high school just contacted me to say that he, too, has Bipolar Disorder...so does his mother, and his son. Wow, someone in the same position as me. It makes you feel a little more normal, knowing there are others out there.
We are not all lunatics. There are varying degrees of all mental health disorders. My mom? I always think of her situation as the worst case scenario...in and out of hospitals since I was just days old. But really, hers is NOT the worst case. She has had some quality of life and some very normal days. I guess my worry lies in the fact that she has the potential to be the very worst case scenario.
My fear of her being in the worst case scenario is what lead me to turn away from the diagnosis and try to pretend that I was not Bipolar. I refused to believe it. Even though the signs were all there, and had been since I was a senior in high school...the fact that no one ever picked up on it pretty much blows my mind. Perhaps no one wanted to see. I think that is more it than anything else.
Fast forward to now...
I am over five years out since my own meltdown and overdose. The day that Dr. Weggel looked me in the eye after that fiasco and asked me if I "had any doubt now that I was bipolar" and I had to answer "no" was the wake up call.
I constantly assess my mood. I recognize the wax and wane. I do try to go on medication when I feel I need it, though I do struggle with remembering to take it and subsequently stay un-medicated. I have had excellent cognitive and behavioral therapy. I do try not to bite off more than I can chew, even though sometimes I do take on too much--I realize it and adjust accordingly.
This first semester in school is a victory for me. I proved to myself that I can do it. Because of my disorder, and years of being out of control--I was certain I would once again crash and burn. It doesn't have to be that way!!
As for my son--he is very in tune with his moods as well. Even more than I am. It gives me hope that there is a normal life possible for us.
My mom has always talked about writing a book from her perspective. Sadly, I doubt it will ever happen. That said, I have also thought that I should put it all down and share it with the world in hopes that one other person or family could feel a little less alone. But, really...who knows if I will ever do that.
Gotta take it day by day. And when the going gets tough: hour by hour, or minute by minute. Whatever it takes to make it through the rough times. Because there are always going to be rough times. That's life.
I think that's life for everyone.
Thank God there are good moments and beauty in the world too, for balance.
Balance is good.
Namaste.
In the future, if I am uncertain if she knows something or not--I will be contacting her right away to be sure. I feel like a total heel.
We do lack good communication in our family...and it seems to only have gotten worse instead of better.
I was thinking about communication this morning too.
When I was a CNA/Telemetry Technician at Sacred Heart Hospital, there were two consecutive summers where my mother was in the hospital for her mental illness. Now, I have never been one to hide the fact that my mom has Bipolar Disorder, or the fact that she spent much of my life in the hospital. It is a fact of my life that is relatively normal to ME.
During my time at Sacred Heart, my son was also diagnosed with the disorder. I was in the process of being diagnosed (though deep down I KNEW...I just had great difficulty accepting it myself). I was very vocal, and had many others dealing with a variety of mental health issues come to me for advice (about their child, parent, or even themselves). I was told several times that they were grateful that someone else knew what they were experiencing, and they appreciated my candor on the issues.
Quite frankly, Eau Claire is a difficult place to maneuver the mental health system. I suspect it is the same in most places, but since we have been involved with it (me, my whole life) I knew a few tricks and knew the people and places to go to get help. At least, at the time I did--with health care changing the way mental illness is treated (minimally, sad to say), I no longer feel like I know the ropes. But, I digress.
There was one other CNA/Telemetry Technician I worked with that must not have appreciated my openness about what was going on because one day she looked me square in the eye and told me that I had better stop discussing it all together. Of course, I was taken aback, because no one had ever said this to me before. I had never been stigmatized until this very moment. It felt like a slap in the face and for a moment I didn't know what to say to this woman. I did finally stand up and tell her I didn't care what anyone thought. I really still don't.
My point is--the day we start sweeping it all under the rug is the day things start going backwards for families like mine, and for people like me. I know I am not the only one out there in this boat. In fact, a friend from high school just contacted me to say that he, too, has Bipolar Disorder...so does his mother, and his son. Wow, someone in the same position as me. It makes you feel a little more normal, knowing there are others out there.
We are not all lunatics. There are varying degrees of all mental health disorders. My mom? I always think of her situation as the worst case scenario...in and out of hospitals since I was just days old. But really, hers is NOT the worst case. She has had some quality of life and some very normal days. I guess my worry lies in the fact that she has the potential to be the very worst case scenario.
My fear of her being in the worst case scenario is what lead me to turn away from the diagnosis and try to pretend that I was not Bipolar. I refused to believe it. Even though the signs were all there, and had been since I was a senior in high school...the fact that no one ever picked up on it pretty much blows my mind. Perhaps no one wanted to see. I think that is more it than anything else.
Fast forward to now...
I am over five years out since my own meltdown and overdose. The day that Dr. Weggel looked me in the eye after that fiasco and asked me if I "had any doubt now that I was bipolar" and I had to answer "no" was the wake up call.
I constantly assess my mood. I recognize the wax and wane. I do try to go on medication when I feel I need it, though I do struggle with remembering to take it and subsequently stay un-medicated. I have had excellent cognitive and behavioral therapy. I do try not to bite off more than I can chew, even though sometimes I do take on too much--I realize it and adjust accordingly.
This first semester in school is a victory for me. I proved to myself that I can do it. Because of my disorder, and years of being out of control--I was certain I would once again crash and burn. It doesn't have to be that way!!
As for my son--he is very in tune with his moods as well. Even more than I am. It gives me hope that there is a normal life possible for us.
My mom has always talked about writing a book from her perspective. Sadly, I doubt it will ever happen. That said, I have also thought that I should put it all down and share it with the world in hopes that one other person or family could feel a little less alone. But, really...who knows if I will ever do that.
Gotta take it day by day. And when the going gets tough: hour by hour, or minute by minute. Whatever it takes to make it through the rough times. Because there are always going to be rough times. That's life.
I think that's life for everyone.
Thank God there are good moments and beauty in the world too, for balance.
Balance is good.
Namaste.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
what the hell?!
My mom called me earlier tonight to inform me that my Grandmother may have had a stroke, but was too stubborn to let the EMTs take her to the hospital. The nursing home staff and my two aunts plead with her but she refused. I pray that she doesn't have another...
My mom knew this a few days ago, and somehow forgot to tell me. She hasn't been mentally herself since this past year...I am certain we will never get Mom back to baseline. Every time she gets sick, we lose a little piece of her. This time, it is obvious. :(
I have said it before, and I will say it again. After the information overload today, January can be completely canceled. Again.
January, February...we could just skip 'em.
If I hear one more potentially bad thing about someone else in my life, I will scream.
2011, I had such high hopes for you, and you are letting me down...
My mom knew this a few days ago, and somehow forgot to tell me. She hasn't been mentally herself since this past year...I am certain we will never get Mom back to baseline. Every time she gets sick, we lose a little piece of her. This time, it is obvious. :(
I have said it before, and I will say it again. After the information overload today, January can be completely canceled. Again.
January, February...we could just skip 'em.
If I hear one more potentially bad thing about someone else in my life, I will scream.
2011, I had such high hopes for you, and you are letting me down...
Happy New Year? Day Two.
I am finding this day feels a little odd.
My mom called me last night to tell me my cousin is in Rochester, at Mayo--has something wrong with her but I am not sure exactly what, but will be there for two months. Sounds serious to me...hopefully I will learn more about her and her condition soon...
Heard from a classmate that a guy we went to school with passed away. His death notice was in this morning's EC Leader-Telegram. Wanting to find more info, I did a Google search to see if I could come up with the MHS Class of '90 website, and instead I came across the publication of the Eau Claire County Sheriff Department Warrant list. This person's name was on it, which to me feels very sad. I hope that this person passed away of natural causes, and not of his own hand. Even if he was guilty of the crimes he was wanted for--suicide is no way to solve anything. :( I hope for his mother's sake, it wasn't a suicide.
Then, I noticed when looking in the death notices that a lady I helped out at the assisted living facility I used to work at has passed away. This is the fourth one to go since I left this summer. This too, makes me sad. I haven't been back to visit, and feel a little guilty about that. Just goes to show you that life goes on.
AND THEN...on Facebook, I saw a posting about the Walmart Greeter Guy, and that he, too has passed away!! Holy cow. This was a man who was always at the door at Walmart greeting everyone. He always seemed like he may be a little slow, but the truth is he had a college education and was highly intelligent. It makes me wonder why he took a job as a Walmart greeter...just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by it's cover.
Life is short. And unpredictable. And just downright weird sometimes.
It's January.
I am struggling with my moods.
This is normal for me in January.
It is normal for me because I have Bipolar Disorder.
It is normal for me because I absolutely HATE/DESPISE/LOATHE winter.
There isn't a word strong enough to describe how much I hate cold and snow.
I can't seem to warm up lately at all. I am cold all of the time.
I worry that there may be something else wrong with me because I can't warm up, I am tired quite a bit, and I have had several bouts of vertigo. Nevermind the double vision thing, which I have gotten used to for the most part.
I worry that maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a hypochondriac. Or I am slowly going insane.
I need to get the HELL out of the COLD. That's what's wrong with me...
Happy New Year, day two...
My mom called me last night to tell me my cousin is in Rochester, at Mayo--has something wrong with her but I am not sure exactly what, but will be there for two months. Sounds serious to me...hopefully I will learn more about her and her condition soon...
Heard from a classmate that a guy we went to school with passed away. His death notice was in this morning's EC Leader-Telegram. Wanting to find more info, I did a Google search to see if I could come up with the MHS Class of '90 website, and instead I came across the publication of the Eau Claire County Sheriff Department Warrant list. This person's name was on it, which to me feels very sad. I hope that this person passed away of natural causes, and not of his own hand. Even if he was guilty of the crimes he was wanted for--suicide is no way to solve anything. :( I hope for his mother's sake, it wasn't a suicide.
Then, I noticed when looking in the death notices that a lady I helped out at the assisted living facility I used to work at has passed away. This is the fourth one to go since I left this summer. This too, makes me sad. I haven't been back to visit, and feel a little guilty about that. Just goes to show you that life goes on.
AND THEN...on Facebook, I saw a posting about the Walmart Greeter Guy, and that he, too has passed away!! Holy cow. This was a man who was always at the door at Walmart greeting everyone. He always seemed like he may be a little slow, but the truth is he had a college education and was highly intelligent. It makes me wonder why he took a job as a Walmart greeter...just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by it's cover.
Life is short. And unpredictable. And just downright weird sometimes.
It's January.
I am struggling with my moods.
This is normal for me in January.
It is normal for me because I have Bipolar Disorder.
It is normal for me because I absolutely HATE/DESPISE/LOATHE winter.
There isn't a word strong enough to describe how much I hate cold and snow.
I can't seem to warm up lately at all. I am cold all of the time.
I worry that there may be something else wrong with me because I can't warm up, I am tired quite a bit, and I have had several bouts of vertigo. Nevermind the double vision thing, which I have gotten used to for the most part.
I worry that maybe there is nothing wrong with me and I am just a hypochondriac. Or I am slowly going insane.
I need to get the HELL out of the COLD. That's what's wrong with me...
Happy New Year, day two...
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy 2011...
...and I have to say...good riddance to 2010--and take 2009 and 2008 with you too!
So, what about you 2011?
I have great plans for you...
This is the year I turn 40. I thought I would be in a different place in my life by the time I turned 40, but as it turns out--I am exactly where I need to be, for the most part. That said, I do have some things I want to work out in 2011:
Get healthy: I am not happy with my weight, but have to make a lifestyle change...this will be the year I find my willpower to start taking care of me. This body is a gift, and it's the only one I get...so I need to take better care of it.
Get financially fit: Spend better, save something. I suck at money. I need to learn a better way to handle it.
Continue to do well in school--in fact, I would like to accomplish a semester of all A's. This is not an impossible task, I just have to set my mind to it.
Start writing again. (This is a good start!)
Be kinder to myself.
Be more patient with others.
Be the change. I have a ring that I wear that says "be the change you wish to see in the world". This year, I intend to live by this motto more.
Enjoy life. I tend to let things get to me more than they should. I tend to let the Bipolar Disorder run things. Well, I am going to take back control. Starting school in 2010 was just the beginning!
These are really more goals to live better, rather than resolutions. Goals are more fluid, and I intend to change them as I go...
Happy, safe, and peaceful New Years to all!
So, what about you 2011?
I have great plans for you...
This is the year I turn 40. I thought I would be in a different place in my life by the time I turned 40, but as it turns out--I am exactly where I need to be, for the most part. That said, I do have some things I want to work out in 2011:
Get financially fit: Spend better, save something. I suck at money. I need to learn a better way to handle it.
Continue to do well in school--in fact, I would like to accomplish a semester of all A's. This is not an impossible task, I just have to set my mind to it.
Start writing again. (This is a good start!)
Be kinder to myself.
Be more patient with others.
Be the change. I have a ring that I wear that says "be the change you wish to see in the world". This year, I intend to live by this motto more.
Enjoy life. I tend to let things get to me more than they should. I tend to let the Bipolar Disorder run things. Well, I am going to take back control. Starting school in 2010 was just the beginning!
These are really more goals to live better, rather than resolutions. Goals are more fluid, and I intend to change them as I go...
Happy, safe, and peaceful New Years to all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)